Dad's Hysterical Retelling of His Son's Arrival Further Proves That Men Can't Handle Childbirth
"I've always thought of myself as pretty cool under pressure," says Brad Kearns, who runs the DaDMum Facebook page. "But the first time I got that call that my wife's waters had broken, something changed. The excitement of almost being a dad went straight out the window because holy f*ck, a tiny human was about to come out of my wife."
Likely not the first new dad in history to freak out a little during his wife's labor, Brad continues his post, recounting the events of the day with maybe just a tiny bit of embellishment.
Now as a man I obviously couldn't feel the pain. But let me tell you, when those contractions were hitting, I had a pretty good idea what was going on. . . . I was doing 160 kph down the motorway. . . . The louder she got, the higher my heart-rate spiked and the faster we went.
Parked as quick as I could, rang the sh*t out of the buzzer, threw her in a wheelchair and sprinted to the maternity ward like it was the f*cking Olympics. This woman strolls over and opens the door for us. I've just put in a performance that would rival Usain Bolt over the 200 m whilst pushing a wheelchair, and this old lady casually opens the door like it's a book club meeting and I'm 20 minutes early. . . .
When your wife breaks your arm and demands an epidural with a demon-possessed voice and it's too late to administer . . . you're f*cked. I'm just going to put it out there and say that those classes didn't teach me sh*t all. Why did we watch that stupid 1980s video where a woman pops this kid out like a morning poo? We should have been watching the f*cking Exorcism of Emily Rose. I would have at least known what to expect. I would have taken a vial of holy water just in case.
Brad's hilarious narrative continues on a sweet note, followed by a disclaimer: "Knox was eventually born and it was beautiful. . . . Childbirth is actually amazing. I don't get how they even go through that? (This is heavily dramatized, I swear I'm not a sociopath)."