Are Our Expectations of Our Children Too High?
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As moms, we want our kids to succeed and have everything we had ever hoped for. It's only natural for us to push our kids to want more and do our best. In fact, if we just let our kids do what they wanted to do all the time and never encouraged them to try anything new, most likely they'd be sitting around watching Mickey Mouse all day until they turned 50. But it is a fine balance between pushing our kids to new possibilites and pushing our kids to the absolute breaking point.
It's not just balancing between encouraging our kids and pushing them too hard, but also what expectations we set for our children. These expectations vary from how we expect them to perform in school to how we want them to socialize and interact with the world. Yet the reality is, we are not here to control our kids but to guide them to be the best possible "them" that they can be. How do we know if we have set our expectations too high for our kids, or if we are simply asking them to be the best they can be?
- Do We Want This, or Do They Want This? When we are encouraging our children to work harder and smarter or to set their sights on a goal or prize, ask yourself:
"Who wants this? Me or my child?"
If the answer is your child, push away. If your child is ready to reach a goal, get that "A," make the track team, or master a piano piece, be there to nudge your kiddo when he or she is ready to throw in the towel. - Is This Developmentally Appropriate For My Child? When you're expecting something of your son or daughter, consider the child's development. Is this something that your child should be ready to do? I notice that because my child is an only and may be gifted or might simply be socially mature, I find that sometimes I forget she's only 5! So the next time you find yourself getting frustrated with your little one, ask if he or she is really ready to be capable of this behavior or expectation.
- Consider Your Child's Personality Maybe every 7-year-old is capable of doing X,Y, or Z. Maybe your friend's son always has a great time and behaves well at karate, but yours doesn't. When you think of what your child is doing versus what other kids are doing, you are guaranteed to become one way:
CRAZY!
You can't compare your child to another. The fact is you must consider your child's personality when you set expectations for your kids. If you have a shy kid but want him or her to go out for student council and your child has said, "Hey mom, as much as I would like to, I don't see me doing it. I would prefer yearbook," deal with it. We all have limitations and abilities. Why should your child be any different?
Not only that but, some children need more pushing than others and respond well to it. Some kids will absolutely rebel or retreat. Know your child well and tailor your expectations accordingly. - Are You Replacing Something? When asking or requiring something of your child, is it because you would like to see him or her succeed at something you couldn't or perhaps see your child be as good as you once were at a certain subject, hobby or activity?
Be careful you're not projecting your dreams so hard that you've placed a cloud over your child's dreams. - Schedule Appropriately You can want your child to behave like an angel or score the best on a test but if you haven't given them the basic proper tools to succeed, he or she is bound to fail like . . .
— Sleep. Make sure your child gets enough rest and if he or she doesn't, expect a worse performance!
— Packed schedule. A packed schedule will leave you with a cranky, somber, moody, or tired child. Balance the schedule appropriately for your child's age. Too many activites for a child can be stressful, unless of course you have an active child who needs activities to stay centered! That's why parenting for the child you have and not the one you want is so key!
— Food. Are they hungry? Kids are beasts when hungry. Heck, I am a beast when I am hungry.
No matter what, always remember, moms, that it is our job to push our kids sometimes and to ecnourage them to try and do what they wouldn't on their own but also to pull back when necessary.