Kids. They say and do the DAMNDEST things. Most of which of course, are done intentionally to drive moms nuts. Some of it of course isn't intentional, but just part of our kids' DNA to make us batty. Our kids are born beautiful for a reason: this way we moms remember that even when they push us to the limits of wanting a padded room and restraints, we will still love them and not eat them alive like certain animal mothers who devour their young. In fact, we probably drive our own kids just as crazy. It wouldn't be as much fun if we didn't, would it?
1. Make Us Suffer Insufferable Cartoons
If I have to watch "Littlest Pet Shop" one more time, I might start bleeding cats and dogs! It's actually one of the better and cuter shows though, if a bit pointless. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse made me want to drive my car into a pole, mostly because of Mickey and Minnie's voice. It's also the most inane show ever. The learning lessons about shapes and such seemed so blase. Let's not forget the "Hot Dog" dance.
Then again, Calliou will make you regret motherhood. Well, at least for a few minutes.
2. Leave Their Stuff EVERYWHERE
Why do moms suffer from stepping on Legos each day? Because our dear sweet kids can't help but leave their stuff everywhere. It's like the world is their own garbage can and toy chest. You'll find Shopkins in with your bras and undies, and toy cars in with the forks. Children like to leave their mark anywhere possible.
3. Wear the Most Ridiculous Clothes
From age 2 to 6, most children are bound to wear the most ridiculous things ever. Of course, you will think their goal is to make you look like the worst mom ever, but the reality is your four year-old really thinks earmuffs are fashionable in a July heat wave.
Yeah, that was MY kid wearing shorts, a tank top . . . cowgirl boots and earmuffs.
Our kids will wear the most embarrassing things, and go coat-less in January and wear that neglected coat in August. It's all about finding their own personality but in the interim, we shake our heads and sigh.
4. No Exercise But MUST Bounce in the Home
Do you want to go for a walk? I asked my daughter. No! was her response.
Yet she had no problem bouncing around our couches like it was her job.
Now she enjoys walks but still — why is it totally acceptable to bounce like a ball in the home but then the second you take your kids outside it's, "Exercise is too hard Ma"
5. Insane Food Requests
Only cut off the side pieces of crust, yet leave the top.
I am only eating "yellow" foods Mommy.
No, Mom. Your nice healthy dinner looks great, but I will only eat macaroni and cheese until I am fifteen years-old.
The insane food requests. The pickiness. The refusal of foods. Kids say they have their reasons but moms simply have Zoloft in response. Not for the kids — but for the moms. WINK.
6. No, No, NO
From 2 to 3 years of age, expect to hear "No" as your child's response to everything, including things like, "Do you want Santa to come?" No, is the universal last-resort comment that every 2 to 3 year old child will use for any situation. If your child ever does say yes, you wonder if he is sick.
You start finding yourself mimicking little toddler and preschool tantrums and you find that whenever even a stranger tells you "Yes," to anything, you get misty-eyed.
7. Tells You She/He Hates You
Dad seems to get a token pass out of meanness. But as mom, you go directly to your kid's "Mean Zone" and do not pass jail. Your child will say she hates you, you are the worst and give you the coldest shoulder ever, yet somehow dad doesn't get one iota of this meanness.
It's just one of the gifts kids give to their moms. Awesome sauce, isn't it?
8. Eats Friend's Lunch, Not His
Your kid adamantly requests a particular lunch and then at lunchtime, swaps the lunch you poured blood, sweat and tears over to eat his friend's peanut butter and jelly. You are ready to scream!
9. Naps For Everyone But You
You will beg and plead for your child to nap so you can get a minute to breathe, but he won't.
He will however, take four hour naps when Grandma comes to watch him and for his babysitter too.
10. Repeats Your Potty Words and Embarrassing Moments
You drop the F-bomb and hope junior won't repeat it. You solemnly talk to him about not using bad words.
He says the F-bomb at school and tells his teacher, "I learned it from my mom."
Yet the same kid is told to remember important school information you repeated fifty million times, yet he cannot remember for the life of him, what you told him to say.
He will remember however, the time he found "Mommy's special battery-operated toy" and recount the story in great detail to whoever will listen to him.
11. Party Tricks For Everyone BUT Mom
Your baby will roll over, speak, walk and do almost anything until you enter the room. Dad, Grandma, the School Day Care, and your Great Aunt Edna have all seen your little girl sit up, walk or roll over...but you?
Nope, she doesn't do it for you.