31 Alternatives to Diaper Duty For When All Hell Breaks Loose in Your Kid's Pants

By Alessia Santoro

Updated on 2/6/2017 at 7:23 AM

Village Roadshow Pictures
Village Roadshow Pictures

A baby's . . . movements . . . go through a lot of changes as they age, whether you've just introduced them to solid foods, their formula has been changed, they're getting over a virus (worst). Or sometimes, it's just a freak occurrence. Every once in a while, things get a little dodgy — aka there's sh*t everywhere — and there's about a million things you'd rather be doing than trying to figure out where to start the cleanup or how to continue breathing fresh oxygen. Here's a list of 31 things I'd rather be doing, just off the top of my head:

  1. Go to the dentist.
  2. Sit in traffic for 24 hours.
  3. Stand next to a tween at a One Direction concert.
  4. Watch pimple-popping videos on YouTube.
  5. Pop a stranger's pimples.
  6. Experience simulated labor — or just the real thing again.
  7. Drink expired milk.
  8. Drink expired breast milk.
  9. Poop in a public bathroom.
  10. With the door open.
  11. Brush a stranger's teeth.
  12. Eat my least favorite food every meal for a week.
  13. Sit in a college lecture.
  14. Be stuck on a four-hour train ride next to a "manspreader."
  15. Eat something out of the garbage.
  16. Go to the gyno once a week for a year.
  17. Help someone move cross-country.
  18. Get paper cuts between all of my fingers and toes.
  19. Listen to static on high volume in noise-canceling headphones.
  20. Run a marathon.
  21. Read "The Odyssey" in one sitting.
  22. Drink hot sauce.
  23. Drop hot sauce into my eyes.
  24. Inhale hot sauce through my nose.
  25. Anything with hot sauce that may be mildly uncomfortable, really.
  26. Clip a stranger's toenails.
  27. Work for Miley Cyrus for a day.
  28. Stand naked in front of a crowd.
  29. Fly from New York to Australia three times — with layovers.
  30. Sing karaoke in front of the entire world.
  31. Honestly, anything.