35 Things That All Parents Actually Are

By Alessia Santoro

Updated on 8/12/2015 at 8:44 AM

Pixar
Pixar

Most children call their parents some variation of "Mom" or "Dad," but every parent knows that those are umbrella terms – parents wear a lot of hats! When someone finally decides that business cards for moms and dads are a thing, feel free to take one or two of our 35 suggestions as your "job title."

  1. Referee. For sports games and sibling rivalries (mostly the latter).
  2. Meteorologist. Because every 5-year-old would rather ask their mom what the weather's going to be like than watch the news . . . the nerve of these kids.
  3. Seamstress. Fixers of popped buttons and ripped knees, and licensed stuffed animal surgeons.
  4. Chef. Who else would whip up those gourmet meals and chop up hot dogs into the macaroni and cheese?
  5. Laundry Machine. Similar to the actual machine in that dirty clothes are launched directly at you.
  6. Teacher. Of course the kids head off to school every morning, but someone has to teach them not to pick their nose and flick their boogers away in the off-hours.
  7. Toy Architect. A 495-piece Lego pirate ship? Sure — see you in four hours.
YouTube | kyjevska
  1. The Tooth Fairy. Because who doesn't deserve $20 for their baby teeth coming out?
  2. School Project Designer. Every teacher knows who is actually responsible for the science fair projects and four-foot-tall volcano dioramas.
  3. Chicken Nugget Connoisseur. Being able to decipher between a child's approved and nonapproved brands is an art form that should be more recognized.
  4. Personal Shopper. For one of two reasons — either because you wouldn't be able to leave the store without also caving in to buying a toy, or because the few hours you get to spend shopping for them is a good enough reason to hire a babysitter.
  5. Maid. Who else is going to organize the muddy shoes launched near the front door or the books spilling off of the shelves? The kids? Ha.
  6. Chauffeur. Kids really should learn to drive before 16 — between the playdates, school, and weekend trips to the movies, driving around wild kiddos is exhausting.
20th Century Fox
  1. Answering Machine. If you're not going to give your child a phone just yet, you know you're going to become a walking message center.
  2. Jungle Gym. Whether sleeping or awake — but usually when caught in the middle of a rare afternoon nap or directly after eating.
  3. Doctor. Kissers of boo-boos and professional band-aid appliers.
  4. Life Coach. Because nobody has better advice on any topic imaginable than a mama or a daddy.
  5. Lost and Found Department. Finders of missing socks, action figures, favorite hats, and every other object a child could possibly touch and abandon throughout the course of a day.
  6. Milkman/maid. Whether boob or bottle, you're a slave to the kid's appetite.
  7. Wallet. Allowance for being cute? I guess . . .
AMC
  1. Hairdresser. Supporters of butterfly clips and copious amounts of hair gel to stick down cowlicks.
  2. Homework Helper. Only after teaching yourself how to do math the way a first grader is taught to do math, of course.
  3. Personal Assistant. Keeper of schedules, logger of hours at the playground, and organizer of backpacks.
  4. Santa Claus. Because no, a giant, jolly man doesn't come crawling through your fireplace on Christmas Eve — he's merely a pawn in the game of "get my kid to behave the rest of the calendar year."
  5. Therapist. See life coach — add extra drama and mix in the dating years.
  6. Garbage Receptacle. Wrappers, used tissues, various items off the ground, and boogers all belong in a mom's pocket, apparently.
  7. Alarm Clock. Because even though you'd been wishing for years that you could actually sleep in on the weekends, someone has to get them up for school.
Universal Studios
  1. Trampoline. See jungle gym.
  2. Easter Bunny. You spend all year telling your child not to eat things off the ground, and then spend one full Sunday morning encouraging them to pick candy out of the dirt in your yard.
  3. Inventor. Of family traditions and spur-of-the-moment changes to life's rules.
  4. Photographer. Who else is going to snap those Instagram shots?
  5. Storyteller. Be it from a book or made up on the spot, parents are the best storytellers.
  6. Stylist. Though after a while, the fact that rain boots don't go with pajama pants and superhero capes doesn't seem all that important to continue harping on.
  7. Monster Hunter. In the closet, under the bed, down the hallway . . .
  8. Hug Machine. For obvious reasons.

    Image Source: ABC