There you are, in the darkest of nights with your tiny newborn staring up at you. You believe that most accurately you just saw this little face about two hours ago, but heck . . . at this stage of the game, every hour and day seems to blur by in a whirl of burp clothes, diapers, and your baby's face. You are so tired, you probably answer to any and all names someone might call you, and you have impressed yourself by surviving on the little sleep that you have. You begin to find any minutes of shut-eye a luxury, and most often, you find yourself wondering where your baby ends and you begin.
1. Really? Again?
You could have sworn your newborn just woke up seconds ago. How is it that he's already awake and crying? Maybe that's another sound you hear. Oh, wait. Nope, that's definitely the baby. You were hoping it was the family cat but unfortunately your cat doesn't sound like that.
Doesn't this baby realize that a mother without sleep is a dangerous human being? Oh well. You grab that cute little guy and you thank him for being so adorable, otherwise he might be out of luck!
2. Murderous Thoughts . . . Toward Your Partner
Are you always on the night shift because your partner has to work, won't wake up, or your newborn isn't having anyone else but her mama?
You'll find yourself up at three in the morning with your baby, staring murderously at your partner wishing that person were awake right now and not blissfully asleep as usual. I remember nursing my baby, looking over at my sleeping former husband and thinking, "Damn you, why don't you lactate?!"
3. OK, This Isn't Too Bad
You may be exhausted during those quiet hours of the night in which everyone is at slumber but you and your baby, but there's a sweet peace in those moments you share.
It's just you and your little one, rocking, snuggling, nursing, bottle-feeding, or what have you, and it feels as if there is no one else on the earth but the two of you simply drinking in the fact that you have a new life to nourish and love. You know being a mom is hard work, but you also know it's hands down the best thing you have ever done in your life. You count each toe and each finger and are simply amazed that someone this tiny and beautiful came from you and your partner.
4. Please God, Don't Poop the Diaper Again
You changed the diaper during the last feeding, which wasn't too long ago, and you're beginning to get good at changing diapers in the dark, however . . . sometimes newborn poop has a tendency to spray. My daughter cleared the room with her breastfed poop!
The last time your kid shot a long one was at midnight the night before and let's just say you spent an hour cleaning up after, instead of resting before your kid woke up again. You hope that carpet remover is baby friendly . . . and removes poop stains!
5. I Can't Have Another
Oh, your newborn is so cute, but the idea of never sleeping again through another infancy? Impossible. When your partner wakes refreshed the next day while you resemble a walk-on from The Walking Dead, you will reassure your partner that the next child you both will have is indeed a dog or cat.
6. Did I Just Heat Up the Wrong Thing?
You go to heat up the baby's bottle but of course you accidentally microwave your water bottle instead. That's how tired you are.
You ditch your almost-melted water bottle and start over by heating up an actual bottle for your baby . . . and not you. Then you grab Mommy a bottle — of beer!
7. Oh Really? You Didn't Hear the Baby?
You know the game — the baby cries, but you conveniently lie quietly as if you're dead asleep and really didn't hear her. You wait for your partner to get up. Didn't you get up the last time, anyway?
8. It's Your Turn This Time
OK, well, no one is getting up to get the baby, who is still crying. Thus ensues the shoving game. You and your partner repeatedly shove each other in the back to get out of bed saying, "But it's your turn this time," and eventually the least stubborn of the two of you caves and gets the baby.
9. Just One More Snuggle
Your little one is fast asleep but for some reason, you are not. You go to the little bassinet, knowing you can't wake a sleeping baby, but you can snuggle one, right?
This is the time you drink in their face. You see who he resembles. Who he doesn't. You notice he has his aunt's eyebrows and chin. You watch him breathe in and out. You smell him like he's a flower and not an adorable baby.
10. What Was That Noise?
Your baby made a noise. No one told you newborns are as noisy as hogs in a pig hen! She makes so many noises that with each noise, you startle awake, wondering if she's OK. You check to make sure she's breathing about 1 million times throughout the night and even if she sleeps, you don't, either because you want to check that she's breathing . . . or your baby's noisy sounds sound like a pot-bellied pig — or worse, a mechanical device.