How to Deal If Your Kids' Best Friends Aren't in the Same Class

By Kate Stahl

Classroom assignments for my daughter's school came out a few days ago, and within minutes, I was inundated with texts and emails from moms of other soon-to-be first-graders, all asking the big question: which teacher did my daughter get? I logged onto our elementary school's Home Access site and was excited to see she had been placed with a much-loved and well-regarded teacher.

The only catch? Of the 15 or so moms of her former classmates, close friends, and same-aged neighbors who reached out to me, only one neighbor was assigned to my daughter's class. None of her kindergarten besties were in her first-grade class. I'm lucky that my kid is outgoing and makes new friends easily — she's actually kind of amped at her classroom's new buddy potential — but I couldn't help feeling a little bummed every time a message came in confirming that yet another of her friends wouldn't be in her class. As her mom, I want her transition into a new grade to be as easy as possible — wouldn't more familiar, friendly faces make it so?

In the days since class assignments came out, I've heard similar separation anxiety stories from many other moms. Most of their children did not take my daughter's "Yay! New faces" approach to their classroom assignments. Tears, desperate pleas to switch rooms, and dramatic refusals to continue their grade-school educations seemed to be the more common responses. If you have a child who's feeling like their new classroom is friendship Siberia, here are some things to consider before racing to the principal to beg for a transfer.

  1. A new social situation is a great learning opportunity for your child. School isn't just about learning math and reading. It also helps your child develop the social skills they'll need throughout their lifetime, and as you know from your own experiences, there will be many times when they're faced with a room full of strangers. School allows them to ease into this skill under the watchful, helpful eye of a concerned teacher.
  2. There might be a reason they were separated from a certain friend. Schools are savvier than you might think, and although you might only see your daughter's relationship with her best friend as a positive one, her last teacher might not agree. Trust that if the decision was made to separate two children, it was probably made with your child's best educational interest in mind.
  3. New friends can mean new skills for your child. While your kid might have been drawn to their old friends because of similar personalities, a shared history through preschool, or your family's friendships, new friends mean they will be introduced to new personality types, talent sets, and interests that might also spark something new in your child.
  4. It's only one school year. Your child will be in more classrooms than you'll probably be able to remember throughout their years of education, and this is just one of them. There will be many more opportunities to be reunited with friends.
  5. They can still connect with old friends outside of the classroom. Your child's whole social life will not be spent in the classroom. Recess, after-school activities, and play dates are still great times for your child to hang out with nonclassroom friends.
  6. If necessary, you can help them make new friends. Of course, you should let your child take the lead in their new classroom environment, but if they're struggling to make new connections after a few weeks, you can gently help. Volunteer in the class to get a firsthand look at what's going on. Talk to classroom moms to see if other children are having similar issues and arrange a play date for your children. If things still aren't improving, request a meeting with the teacher to see if you can work together to improve your child's social situation.