Tricks and Treats For the Divorced Mom
Every Halloween, kids clamor out into the streets in costumes with their bags in hands, ready to take on the neighborhood all in the name of candy and some good-natured fun. But while moms may not be dying to load up our goodie bags with corn syrup (or heck, maybe we are — don't you dare touch my peanut butter cups!), we could use some tricks and a few treats to help remind us why there can be happiness in our new lives, postmarriage. Here are some tricks and treats to scare away the goblins of divorce.
Your Ex-Husband's Treat For Halloween Is Telling You About His New Girlfriend
Trick: The "Happy" Face
If your ex just told you that he's dating someone, it's time to put on a happy face, sweets, and act like you couldn't be more thrilled.
You're in love? Grrr-eat!
Like Tony the friggin' Tiger, kill him with kindness. Act like this is the best news you've ever heard. Even if you secretly hope she is fatter, meaner, and worse in bed and a makes-less-money-than-you horror show, act like this is great news. Because the fact is as heartbreaking as it may be to hear, you will eventually meet someone too, if you haven't already. And at least now maybe your ex will be in a good mood. Hopefully she's sexually satisfying him so much that he will have a permanent happy face on — and is a happier guy for you to deal with.
Trick: The "Amazing Makeover"
Be sure to look amazing every time you have to see your ex. Not because you want him back, but simply because you're not going to let the divorce kill you. It's not cancer. It's divorce, and girl, you can rise above! If he happens to see you on Halloween, bust out that Wonder Woman costume. Yank out the Naughty Nurse. Or if it's a regular old day, just wear those skinny jeans and whip out that good bra, darnit!
You Go Trick-or-Treating and Come Home So Late You Don't Want to Make Dinner
Trick: The "Screw It"
You can't be Mother of the Year every day, and it's hard being a single parent, especially if dad is out of the picture. Besides, if you were Mother of the Year every day, then how sad would your PTA mom be, because you know she is Mother of the Year every minute! Screw the healthy dinner and order a pizza, or if you're that tired, eat the candy for dinner just this once. The motherhood police won't be notified. If they are, call me as backup. I'm happy to represent the legal sisterhood of divorced moms who need a break, or any mom for that matter!
Batman Looks Sexy at the Halloween Party, but He Might Be Too Young to Ride in Your MomMobile
Trick: The "Cougar"
If you got out to a Halloween party all on your own without the kiddos, enjoy yourself. Feel free to wear a sexy costume . . . or not. If you see a Batman who is particularly sexy, feel free to flirt. Feel free to make out with him. Whether he is 50 or 20, it doesn't matter — as long as he's of legal age. Since the first caveman hit a cavewoman over the head to get her attention, dudes have been hooking up with younger chicks and older women without apology. If you see an attractive man, you will — you must — have a makeout session with him, and you will enjoy it.
You get a gold star and three Tootsie Pops if you make out and never call him again.
Have fun again, and save the intense relationships for down the line when you're ready for it. Divorce is not fun, but your life postmarriage can be!
And Now For the Treats
Treat: Bad '80s Movies and Candy
I have a huge secret: I love the movie Footloose.
I guess it's not a secret anymore.
It's a god-awful movie, really, but I like the music and young Kevin Bacon. Now that I am single, I can blast the music, worry if the big barn prom at the end is going to be busted, and wear my undies and a tank top on the couch without caring if my ex thinks this is the worst waste of Hollywood money ever. If you're home alone on Halloween night, put on some cheesy movies, grab a bottle of wine, and feel free to gorge yourself on junk food. Rebel a little — leave the dishes in the sink. Just don't put your hand in your underwear. That's going too far!
Treat: Internet Shopping
You're not into M&M's or Reese's, but you saw a really nice purse or sexy bra online that you've been dying for. Use some of that sugar, mama, and indulge a wee bit in a small purchase that will make you feel good about you — something you could stand to feel when you've been through the nastiness of a divorce.
Treat: Silent Night, Peaceful Night
After all of your little witches and pumpkins are put to bed, it's just you. You and the silent night. Maybe a year ago, a few months ago, or even just weeks ago, the night may not have been silent. You may have been fighting with your ex. As hard and as lonely as divorce can be, there's closure (hopefully) and a return to peace that's the best treat that you, your ex, and your kids could ever receive.