10 Ways Being a Parent Is the Exact Same as Being the Designated Driver
It's a running joke that babies act like they're drunk all the time — they can't walk a straight line, they speak in gibberish, and they will fall asleep literally anywhere.
But if they are drunk, what does that make us? Turns out, parenthood is nearly identical to picking the short straw and being labeled the designated driver for the evening. That's right: you have to stay stone sober so you can make sure your little drunk "friend" doesn't do anything stupid.
Don't see the connection? Keep reading, and all will become painfully clear.
It Seems Like It's Always You "Volunteering" to Be the Sober Driver
You can't remember the last time they offered to take one for the team and be the responsible one. You hate being a pushover, but it never fails that whenever little Cindy has a pool party, you'll be the one making sure no one drowns.
You Are Constantly Tailing Them to Make Sure They Don't Do Anything Stupid
But no matter how closely you watch them, it never fails. "Sorry he just made out with your dog." "I'm sure she didn't mean to steal that book." "Oh, just a little club soda and that stain will come right out, I swear."
You Say You'll Have Fun at the Party, but You Never Really Do
Sure, you've got a few responsibilities and can't just throw caution to the wind, but that doesn't mean you can't have a good time, right? In fact, it actually can mean that.
You Find Yourself Apologizing For Them
You know it's not your fault they just peed themselves in the middle of the living room while dancing to their jam, but it sure feels like it is.
You Can Spot Fellow Sober Drivers From Across a Crowded Room
You all might as well have neon fluorescent signs pointing at your heads — it's that obvious. Depending on your drunk charge's state at the time, you'll either run over to commiserate for 90 seconds or offer a stoic, knowing nod from afar.
You Long For the Days When You Were Drunk
Ah, to be drunk again, without a care in the world, with someone else watching over you. It seems so long ago that you don't even have memories of what it was like — just photos and embarrassing videos. As much as you miss being drunk, at this point you'd settle for just being sober at home alone.
You Pick Up Their Tab and They Never Once Pay You Back
Even though they're the only one drinking, you somehow get stuck paying for everything. And don't even try to order food without them swooping in and devouring half of it.
If They Throw Up in the Back Seat of Your Car, You Can't Even Yell at Them
It's a risk you knowingly take every time you drive them anywhere: there's a good chance they'll puke . . . often within a mile from your destination. You're going to feel all sorts of emotions, but you know it's not even worth sharing them with your charge. They won't remember it anyway.
You Tell Yourself You're Done Once They're Back Home, but That's a Lie
When the party's over and you got everyone home in one piece, you swear to yourself that you're off the clock as designated driver. Then they pass out in the middle of the floor in just their underwear, which smells of poop.
They Clearly Don't Appreciate What You're Doing For Them, but You'll Be Sure to Remind Them Later
All your sacrifices so that they could have a good time? The next day, it's like it never happened. Not only don't they thank you, but they freak out that you didn't have breakfast ready for them the minute they woke up. Before you know it, you are resuming your sober driver duties . . . but not without making a mental note that one day, they'll realize what they put you through, likely when they've got a drunk charge (or two) of their own to deal with.