What Every Mom Who Hasn't Seen Any New Movies Needs to Know Before the Oscars

Updated on Feb 28, 2016 at 8:19 AM

A24 Films

I've long been a cinephile, so this is one of my ultimate low points since becoming a mom: I haven't seen any of this year's movies nominated for a best picture Academy Award.

Sure, I've got an excuse: babies take up a lot of time, and when you do break free from the vice grip of their tiny little fingers, the last thing you want to do is spend $15 an hour on a babysitter so you can go to the movies. (OK, that's actually my ideal date night, but my husband and I pretend to each other that we prefer engaging in sparkling conversation in a dimly lit restaurant when, in fact, we'd both rather be stuffing our faces with popcorn in a dimly lit theater.)

But just because I didn't see a single critically respected movie (I did catch Star Wars, so cut me a little slack) during the whole of 2015, it doesn't preclude me from tuning in to the Oscars this Sunday night – likely alongside friends and family at a pop culture pressure cooker otherwise known as a "watch party."

Instead of giving any of the nonparents that night the satisfaction of feeling more cinematically savvy than I am, I've done some incredibly light Googling to gather enough intel to pretend I know about each of the eight nominated flicks.

If you want to make like a movie buff but don't have time to watch even a single movie, keep reading. I've provided easy-to-digest plot breakdowns and talking points in case your "friends" try to pull a fast one on you.

Bonus: if you really want to do your due diligence, I've queued up all the movie's trailers. That's right – in less than 23 minutes, you, dear mother, will be able to hold your own next to the most obnoxious movie fan in the room.

The Big Short

Synopsis:
The one about the 2008 financial crisis.

Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one where everyone’s way too tan and Steve Carell has a weird accent.

Talking points:

Bring up the fact that the director also made Oscar-snubbed films Anchorman and Step Brothers.
Make clear that you completely understand the intricacies of the 2007 housing bubble, but that the movie explains it "well enough."

Bridge of Spies

Synopsis:
The one about a lawyer defending a Soviet spy during the Cold War.

Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one you feel like you’ve already seen before because Tom Hanks only makes period war dramas now.

Talking points:

Did you know the Cold War wasn't named as such because of the frigid temperatures but because there weren't any battles? Discuss.

Brooklyn

Synopsis:
The one about an Irish immigrant who falls in love with an Italian guy.

Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one with the girl from that one movie. Is that her?

Talking points:

Decree that you thought the lead actress was better/worse in Atonement.
Explain that Brooklyn is a borough of New York City that you have visited/plan to visit.

Mad Max: Fury Road

Synopsis:
The one that’s a remake of a 1970s Mel Gibson action movie.

Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one that . . . wait, this is nominated for best picture?

Talking points:

Turn all topics to how you think The Danish Girl was snubbed.
If stuck, say, "There's nothing more I can add that hasn't already been widely discussed about this movie." (Note: this works for all eight films.)

The Martian

Synopsis:
The one about an astronaut who gets stranded on Mars.

Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one that looks just like that Interstellar movie but is not that one.

Talking points:

Ask, knowingly, "So, is this movie a comedy or a drama?" And then mumble something about the Golden Globes. Trust me, it'll make you look like you know what's going on in the industry or something.
If pressed, say, "Honestly, I preferred the book." (Note: this also works for The Big Short, Brooklyn, The Revenant, and Room.)

The Revenant

Synopsis:
The one in which a frontiersman fights for survival after being left for dead.

Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one you hope gets Leonardo DiCaprio an Oscar so he can start doing romantic comedies.

Talking points:

Whatever you do, don't mention anything about a bear rape scene. That's old news.
Ask if anyone knows what the word "revenant" actually means and then shake your head at the silence.

Room

Synopsis:
The one about a kidnapped woman who is forced to raise her son in a dingy room before they finally escape.

Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one that sounds like something you couldn’t emotionally handle on your best day.

Talking points:

Regale the single people at the party with what it's like for you personally to be stuck in a house with two kids under the age of 2.
Just think about the actual plot of this movie, which will bring you to tears and keep you from having to add more to the conversation.

Spotlight

Synopsis:
The one about the reporters who uncover the Catholic Church's child molestation scandal.

Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one you’ve legit never heard about before.

Talking points:

Politely excuse yourself because it's rude to talk about religion in mixed company.