Motherhood Isn’t a Job, but Here’s My Résumé Anyway
This article was originally featured on What to Expect, a pregnancy and parenting brand helping every parent know what to expect, every step of the way.
I hate when people call motherhood the toughest job they've ever had. Is motherhood work? Yes! It's arguably the hardest work you will ever do in your life, both physically and emotionally.
But real talk: Motherhood isn't a job. There is no end-of-shift when it comes to motherhood. There is no vacation time when it comes to motherhood. And there is no throwing up your hands in frustration and storming out one day when it comes to motherhood (along with a final farewell to the boss amid cheers from your coworkers).
Calling motherhood a job lessens the reality of what it is. However, if it were a job, well, this is what my résumé would look like:
Leggings-and-yoga-pants-wearing, coffee-drinking, chocolate-sneaking, once-a-week-hair-washing center of my family's universe.
Chef at You Can Eat What I Made, or Not At All
Painstakingly researches and plans meals each week. Tries to use only organic, locally sourced foods. Offers up something I spent an hour making to my toddler only to later have to give her a peanut butter sandwich because apparently kale is "yuck."
Waste Management and Maintenance at I Guess I'm the Only One Who Can See That the Recycling Bin Has a Game of Trash Jenga Happening on the Lid
On any day other than the designated trash day, I am the only person in the house able to see that the trash and recycling cans are full and need to be taken out. I am also the only one who possesses the ability to see that there are Cheerios on the floor and to put them into the trash can. In charge of all light bulb changes as well.
Laundry Technician at It's Washed, Dried, and Sitting Folded in the Laundry Basket (What More Do You Want From Me)
Empty the hampers from every room in the house into the washing machine. Backtrack through the house looking for all of the hidden places where my husband and daughter hide their dirty socks. Walk back to the washing machine and add an entire second basket of dirty socks, because why not.
Housekeeper at Why Does It Always Look Like a Bomb Went Off in Here
First I pick everything up off of the floor, then I clean the bathrooms. Next I pick everything back up off of the floor, then I dust. Again, I pick everything up off the floor, then I do the mirrors and glass surfaces. Once more, I pick everything up off of the floor, then I sweep and mop. Finally, I pick everything up off of the floor, then I vacuum. I put the vacuum away and turn around and magically everything is back on the floor.
Bookkeeper and Accountant at Where Did All of Our Money Go
Create a detailed monthly budget to make every penny work for us. Creatively rework our finances so we run out of month before we run out of money. Question every purchase my husband makes while not giving a second thought to spending $40 on eggless cookie dough (because, pregnancy).
Nurse's Aide/Healthcare Worker at It's Okay, I Will Kiss It and Make It Better
Kiss boo-boos. Wipe tears and boogers (and a butt here or there, too). When needed, yell, "It's not poison, it's going to make you feel better!" Make all doctor's appointments for every person who lives in the house. Also, dig Ibuprofen out of the cabinet for my husband when he is complaining about something hurting.
A lot of Googling, a lot of frantic phone calls and a lot of texts to my mother, mother-in-law, sister, sister-in-law and BFFs.
References available upon request