The 7 Nonnegotiable Rules of Being a Soccer Mom
Glennon Doyle is no stranger to sitting on the sidelines at soccer games, thanks to having an Olympic soccer player for a wife. But as it turns out, Doyle's best advice for sitting on the sidelines comes from being a soccer mom to her 10-year-old daughter. Alongside an Instagram photo of herself and her wife Abby Wambach sitting on the sidelines, Doyle shared invaluable advice and nonnegotiable rules that all sports moms need to read and follow from here on out.
"Soccer Mom 101," Doyle's caption starts, before she gets right into her seven rules.
1. When your kid's game begins: sit down. Get cozy. Look down and check your shirt carefully.
2. If your shirt says one of the following words: "Coach" or "Referee" — feel free — throughout the game — to yell coachy or referee-ish things. If you do not see these words on your shirt: hush, mostly.
3. This will be surprisingly difficult. Especially if one of you is an Olympic Soccer Player and the other one of you is a Bat Sh*t Crazy Mama Bear Who Truly Believes that Every Ten Year Old Opponent Who Touches Her Daughter's Jersey Intends To Kill Her Daughter Dead.
4. SO. Since you cannot be trusted: Bring lollipops. Put the pops in your loud, obnoxious mouths as soon as you sit down on the sideline. Let the pops serve as a reminder to you that children are dropping out of sports in record numbers — largely because their parents are behaving like asshats on the sidelines in record numbers. . .
5. So Let the kids play. Let the coaches coach. Let the refs ref. You parent — which means yell nothing but "yay" and "good hustle" and "you got this" and "good idea" and maybe the occasional "offside!" These seem to be soccer evergreen safe things to yell.
Doyle's penultimate rule asks fellow soccer moms to bring enough lollipops for all the other parents on the sidelines, so that everyone may follow rule number four together. And though it's not necessarily a rule, per say, the author mom ends on a lighthearted note, with a simple "OFFSIDE!!!!!!!" as number seven.
Every soccer mom should take a page or two out of Doyle's parent sportsmanship book and just sit back and enjoy their kids' games, because as she says: "Things, in general, are less fun to do when bigger people scream at you the entire time you do them."
Amen, mama.