15 Things Depression Will Tell You That Are Actually Horrible Lies

POPSUGAR Photography | Rima Brindamour
POPSUGAR Photography | Rima Brindamour

For those suffering from depression, it can often feel like nothing will ever get better and nobody will ever understand. My personal bouts consist of oversleeping, undereating, shutting down at inappropriate times, disconnecting or isolating myself from the people I care about in an effort "not to burden them," and generally being a challenging person to deal with and get through to.

I think about all the ways depression (and its sh*tty second cousin, anxiety) have made a home in me; like a devil on either shoulder, telling me I don't deserve the things I want, the people I love don't love me back, and the roads to healthy relationships and self-confidence will always be closed for construction. But one of the things I can bring to my decades-long odyssey with mental illness (besides, you know, medication and therapy) is a wry, malapropos sense of humor — because sometimes, it really does seem like there is nothing else. That being said, here are some text messages I just know I'd get from my depression if it could fit its grubby little hands around a cell phone (and if I actually gave it my number).

  1. It's honestly so crazy to me that you have friends. Isn't that crazy to you?
  2. You realize nobody like, actually likes you, right? Try looking up "tolerate" in the dictionary, hun.
  3. They "just want you to be happy?" LOL, you don't really believe that, do you?
  4. Yeah, that dude is WAY out of your league. Cute that you thought he'd be into you, though.
  5. Don't you think you're being a little too . . . I dunno . . . happy right now? Snap out of it, girl. It's not always about you!
  6. Isn't Pinterest so inspiring? It's like, all the things you'll never have and don't deserve, but in one handy place. You should check it multiple times a day!
  7. You really are better off just keeping your head down, getting your work done, and going home. Nobody will notice because nobody cares!
  8. You really are better off just saying you're tired, turning down the invite, and staying home. Nobody will notice because nobody cares!
  9. Wait, you tried to explain our relationship to someone?! I bet you cried! Way to go. Have fun looking insane.
  10. OMG, my vacay was amazing. Looks like you had a fun couple of weeks without me but I'm so glad to be back — aren't you so glad I'm back?
  11. Did that doctor just call me "severe?" Way harsh, Tai.
  12. Hey, we have that 11 hours of sleep that we really need to get to. So what the sun's still out? Seems like the sun's problem.
  13. Um, Anxiety just told me you were awake half the night thinking about how f*cked up your life is and didn't get the 11 hours of sleep we need to function. Care to explain?
  14. Wait, who told you your life was f*cked up? Not me, I hope.
  15. Dude, you're so dramatic. You'll be fiiiine. When have I ever lied to you?