The Top Cringe-Worthy Instagram Posts

Whoever was the first person to do this, I tip my hat. It’s a cool shot, and I’ve held out my iPhone camera while I lounge on a chaise to frame this same image. But it’s tired, and toes and oceans all pretty much look the same. I’m not against vacation posting. Seeing glimpses of far-flung places our friends have visited is pretty damn cool. But let’s try to be more original. Maybe your suntan lotion wedged in the sand. A straw hat propped against a palm tree. Anything but the toes.

This one is controversial, and I can imagine I’ll get some backlash for it. But is anyone really moved when they see any of the following on their screens: "Reach for the stars, dare to dream, challenge yourself, do one thing that scares you today," yada yada yada? It’s very self-helpy, and everyone knows social media actually exists to make us feel worse about ourselves. Let’s stick with the mission, people.

Unless your tuna tartare or your kale Caesar salad possesses magical powers, please don’t post it. I especially want to call out avocado toast as the most overplayed Insta image. So you threw a fried egg on top? Sprinkled with cayenne pepper? That does not warrant broadcasting. Something like fifty percent of all the “food porn” online is a variation of avocado toast. It’s just a vegetable spread on bread. And yes I do know that Gwyneth Paltrow blessed it along with detoxes and Tracy Anderson. Still not interested.

I have nothing special to say about this one. I just think it’s weird.

I’m having a flashback all right — to Throwback Thursday. Isn’t once a week enough for kindergarten class pictures and sleepaway bunk shots? We love the feathered hair and braces, but back-to-back it’s just too much. If your archival photo is so worth sharing, you’ll remember it for next Thursday.

Flight delays, gate changes, security pat downs . . . when will it end? We feel your pain, we do. But we do not need to be kept up to date in real time. It’s bad enough when we have to experience it ourselves. And while we’re on the subject of aviation, for any of you 0.00001%ers out there, a picture of you and/or your family on a private plane is a definite no-no. Extraterrible if you use the hashtag #wheelsup.

Their, they’re now, don’t panic. We are all guilty of this at some point or another. And after 11 p.m., I’m willing to excuse a “fewer/less” or “effect/affect” mixup. But considering IG has become our new public face, it can’t hurt to proofread before pressing share.

This one is about integrity. We’re all curating our lives to some extent for social media, and we’d be crazy not to. No one, perhaps most of all me, wants to see what I look like first thing in the morning. But when you think about the space between your actual life and your virtual life, how big is the gap? If your kid had a meltdown moments earlier, and you promised him unlimited iPad time plus 14 Starbursts if he would just freaking smile for the photo, by all means slap that picture on your mantel. You earned it. But don’t post it, unless you plan to disclaim the backstory. #bribedforthesmile

It’s snowing, your kid is sledding. It’s freezing, you’re staying indoors with a hot cup of tea. It’s in the '70s today! You’re wearing shorts. Congratulations. But how about we leave the weather reporting to Al Roker? Or for you Tri-Staters out there, leave it to Amy Freeze. That is her actual name and she’s a meteorologist for the local ABC affiliate. She’s cooler than us, pun intended.