I'm a Proud Slytherin and Will Defend The House No Matter What

Slytherins are ambitious and fiercely competitive. And, yes, we like to succeed. When did this become a bad thing? Ambition is how you become a leader and how some people change the world. Remember, Ariana Grande is a proud Slytherin, and I’m sure other strong leaders like Hillary Clinton, Tina Fey, and Kim Kardashian would be in the house as well.

You want a Slytherin with you when you’re trying to figure out what to wear; our loyal and calculated nature makes us the perfect shopping partners! A Gryffindor would encourage you to get the first cool shirt you see without trying it on; a Hufflepuff would tell you to get what makes you happy; and a Ravenclaw would tell you that your money is better spent elsewhere. But a Slytherin? A Slytherin is who you need. A Slytherin will tell you that the top you’re trying on isn’t perfect, but that silver glitzy one in the corner could be, especially with a deep maroon lip, and you should wear the entire ensemble out to drinks tonight.

Like many writers and comedians, I’m definitely “darker” than the average person. I think that this often translates to being a bit more in-tune with the flaws and nuances of the world around me. It certainly does not always lead to mass destruction. Sure, Slytherins may have some darkness in them — whether that be in the form of dark thoughts about themselves or others, or the world at large, but that doesn’t translate to evil. More often too, darkness can be a sign of intelligence, a lack of ignorance, or an acknowledgement that our world has a long way to go.

Slytherins are not the brash, over-the-top kids in calculus class sprawled on top of their desks, talking over the professor. We don’t bask in the glow of having the attention on us at all times. We’re a bit quieter, and when we break the rules, we're thoughtful about it. We’re careful, subtle, and smart, and we often find ourselves on the outskirts of things.

Severus Snape, however misguided, sacrificed himself for good and proved himself to be brave, complex, and strong-willed. Horace Slughorn overcame his reservations and fought for good in the Battle of Hogwarts. Andromeda Tonks sacrificed everything to marry a muggle-born. And, if you’ve read the new play, you know that Scorpius Malfoy and Albus Potter are far from dark or “evil.”

This is often described as a negative trait, but I’m going to spin it for you. Slytherins are loyal as hell. To me, this means an unwavering dedication to our families and our friends above all else. Sure, we don’t give out a lot of chances, but if you prove yourself worthy of our friendship, we will fight for it. Look how long Draco stuck with Crabbe and Goyle, and those two are genuinely garbage people.

Remember when Harry and Ron stole a car to fly to Hogwarts and genuinely thought that was a good idea?? Most Slytherins wouldn’t do that. We also wouldn’t immediately rush to save Sirius because we had a dream (R.I.P) or wait until the last moment to ask someone to the Yule Ball. You’ll notice Draco, for example, always had a plan — whether it was tricking Harry into getting in trouble, joining the Inquisitorial Squad, or designing “Potter Stinks” badges. Despite the moral ineptitude of those actions, Draco was calculated in everything he did.

Finally, let me state the obvious: Harry was supposed to be a Slytherin. If Harry were in Slytherin, he wouldn't have befriended Draco and given himself up for the Dark Lord's cause in the first book. He most likely would still turn out to be exactly who he was, just maybe a bit estranged from his classmates. As Dumbledore said, Slytherins were chosen in part because of their “certain disregard for the rules,” and this defines Harry every bit as much as courage or pride. He might have even been encouraged to be a bit less impulsive at times.

So, my dungeon people — highly opinionated, thoughtful, a little sensitive — this post is for you if you are tired of being overlooked. You are not alone.

As Sirius said, there is darkness and light in each of us; it is what we choose to act on that determines who we are.