The First Time Her Son Spoke Back to Her, This Mom Knew His Innocence Was Ending

Life is a series of firsts: first breath, first steps, first day of school, first love, and first heartbreak. As parents we guide our children through these milestones, vicariously living and anxiously waiting with bated breath and camera poised. We cry with them the day they are born, cheer them on the day they first walk, and try to be strong for them the day they first stride away from us carrying a tiny backpack into a big unknown school. There is a first time for everything.

But then there are the firsts that slay us. The milestones that every parent hopes their kid never reaches but secretly knows they all will. We were kids once too, right? There's the first time they sneak out of the house, the first time they skip school, their first bad grade, first detention, first lie, and the first time they tell us they hate us. The end of their naive innocence.

Recently, my 5-year-old reached one of these dreaded milestones, and it shook me more than I had expected. I've always talked to him like he's an equal, treated him with respect, allowed him to voice his opinions, and even compromised when I feel he's made a good point. I've rarely used the perennial parenting favorite line, "Because I'm your mom and I said so." I wanted him to feel like he could talk to me on my level, to elevate his conversation rather than me talking down to him. However, it never occurred to me that someday I might not like his quick wit and sharp tongue when it was turned on me.

The other day, my sweet, darling, first-born, 5-year-old son sass-talked me for the first time. And it was a zinger.

We were driving in the car with his little brother and sister, and I had taken a wrong turn. I'd gotten on the freeway in the wrong direction, only to discover that the next exit was more than eight miles away. Of course. The 5-year-old was kicking the back of my seat, while the 3-year-old rolled the window up and down for the thousandth time and the 1-year-old smeared banana in her hair. Needless to say, I was stressed, the kids were annoyed, and tension was running high in the car.

Then they started fighting, suddenly I felt like the air in the car had been sucked out the back window, and I snapped. I shouted at everyone to "BE QUIET FOR THE LOVE OF GOD," and for one blessed moment they obeyed, shocked by my manic outburst. But then, my eldest, ever the protector of his siblings, decided it was his responsibility to speak up for the group.

"Hey," he scowled. "You shouldn't say that."

Without thinking I snapped back, "Well you shouldn't be kicking the back of my seat."

And then, without missing a beat, my son straightened up in his seat and glared at my reflection in the rear view mirror. "Well, maybe YOU shouldn't take wrong turns."

My jaw dropped. Of course, he was right, and in his position I probably would have made the same remark. But when did this happen? When did my baby decide it was okay to criticize me, to dig in and take the last jab during a heated discussion? I'd never bothered before to consider the little snide remarks I probably make toward my kids every day. They are my way of releasing some of the pressure that builds up over the course of a long day with three kids under the age of 6. They're harmless, right?

Sure, if you don't mind having your 5-year-old rake you across the coals while you drive eight miles in the wrong direction, wanting to kick yourself and turn up Elmo's greatest hits on the speakers as a form of self-flagellation. Totally harmless.

But after I calmed down, turned the car around, and had a very frank discussion with my son about respecting adults (and at the very least muttering these things under his breath so I couldn't hear him), I realized that this day was always going to arrive. Kids talking back to their parents is just another inevitable event like their first date or their first time driving a car. I may not always like it, and I certainly don't have to tolerate him doing it irresponsibly, but my son is growing up. It was as much the end of my innocence as it was his.

And each of these dreaded firsts are as significant as the benevolent ones, sure signs that your child is learning to navigate the confusing world around them. Yes, these are stumbles along their path to greatness, but they are necessary mistakes in order for them to grow. As parents, we have to accept that our babies won't always be innocent. They will hurt us, disappoint us, and sometimes scare us with their mistakes. But with each of these errors comes a chance to remind our children that we love them unconditionally, and that it is okay to make mistakes in life. The end of innocence is just the beginning of truly growing. Embrace it.

And then when they aren't looking, you can weep into a pillow . . .