I Lived the Goop Lifestyle For a Week — Am I Gwyneth Paltrow Yet?

While Goop's recommendation was actually to purchase a $16,500 floating tub, the idea of being trapped in a pitch-black pod while completely submerged in water sounds like a special kind of hell for me. I decided on the next-best thing: a flotation tank at Brooklyn's Lift with higher ceilings and a little more legroom.

It was still dark and terrifying at first, but after 20 minutes (of the one-hour session), I nearly fell asleep from relaxation. Would I say the 1,000 pounds of Epsom salt left my hair and skin silky soft? Not really, but it was nice as hell giving my feet (and mind) a break for a fraction of the day.

Hello, have you ever tried a fragrance intended to smell like snow and "sensual quiet"? Me neither. That's what made spritzing on the Goop Eau de Parfum: Edition 01 – Church ($55) before emerging outside to NYC's blistering winds every day a true delight . . . even if people still talked to me (and sensual it was not).

The concept of a cleansing balm has always seemed nice in theory — massage onto face, watch makeup melt away, rinse, and then rinse two more times to get off the residue — but the truth remains: I am lazy, and that's about five more steps I've never been willing to take. During my Goop heyday, however, I made an exception and slathered on the Goop Luminous Melting Cleanser ($80) every night as the first step in my skincare routine.

It took a few extra minutes, as expected, and — even though it felt great to give myself a DIY face massage — I found myself dreading the step . . . until I realized my skin, after cleansing it, felt so damn soft.

I had tried the Goop Exfoliating Instant Facial ($125) once before, and loved how the gentle blend of AHAs and BHAs acted like a light switch for my skin, making it look infinitely brighter in just three minutes.

I've never needed the treatment more than I did after hibernating for four days straight from a projected snowstorm during this challenge. I started out looking like a true vampire (if vampires had dull, gray, practically translucent skin), but after using it twice, I looked more like a pre-Edward Bella when I stepped outside.

The hardest part of my entire week was the diet part, hands down. Paltrow's 5-Day Detox involves cutting out the essentials in my primary food groups: gluten, dairy, corn, refined sugar, caffeine, alcohol, white rice, eggs . . . my head nearly exploded at the thought. Here's an example of one day's meal:

Once I decided to do the Detox Lite (as I like to call it), which involves a slightly more lenient approach, should a mozzarella stick or glass of wine present itself to me, but generally sticks to the rules, I decided to shop for the ingredients — which are just as expensive as you imagined. When I was too rushed to make a breakfast smoothie (so, every day), I swapped it with the Goop Goopglow ($60), which is a powder supplement that tastes like Gatorade and contains antioxidants meant to revive from the inside out. Seeing as how I only used it for a week, I didn't notice any changes in my skin . . . unless you count what comes from getting a few extra zzz's in the morning.

The wellness practice of boosting circulation via dry brush is not new, but this was the first time I used one in the shower on a consistent basis. I used the Goop G.Tox Ultimate Dry Brush ($20), which felt like any other dry brush, really, but it does have a nice, slanted wooden handle that makes it easy to get every curve of your body.

Now, a clay cleanser is something I can get behind. We already know the natural ingredient can balance the skin and dislodge any impurities, but I never expected the Goop G.Tox Glacial Marine Clay Body Cleanser ($30) to smell so good. Within seconds of applying it, my shower was clouded with a calming rosemary and peppermint scent that made me feel instantly more Zen.

Lazy as I am, there is one thing I will always do after a shower: moisturize. I usually stick to a hydrating lotion so I'm not waddling off with that dry, tight-skin feeling, but there was a certain level of luxury in using the Goop G.Day Black Pepper + Rose Hip Energy Body Oil ($60) instead. Not only does it smell delicious (Fresh ginger! Pink peppercorn!), but the formula also sunk into skin within seconds, so I never felt greasy — just a little like Gwyneth Paltrow.