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Is Your Ex's New Girl Not a Mom?

Is Your Ex’s New Wife a Mom? If No, Does It Matter to You?


My ex has a new girlfriend and I have never met her. I know extremely little about her other than her occupation, where she lives (out of state very far away!) and who she lives with, and that she's near my age and not a mom.

Does the last part matter to me? Well, sort of. Is "sort of" an answer? We don't get to pick who are exes pair off with nor do we have any choice in how our exes introduce our kids to their partners or how they have their new flames interact with our kids (double too bad). This is one of the hardest parts about divorce: our children interacting with total strangers and sometimes staying over at these people's homes. But it's something we have to accept and cope with otherwise the possible anger, worry, and fear will consume us alive.

But does it matter to you if your ex's new love is a mom or no?

The bonuses I find in the new flavor being a "non-mom" is my daughter doesn't have to adjust to both potential stepsiblings and a new woman in her life all at once. My daughter is an only child and so potential stepsiblings would be a huge change. Maybe it would be a great one, who knows, but I found that at least she would have only one huge adjustment to go through, especially if this woman becomes an actual person in her life and not just dad's "girlfriend." On the flip side though, if things progress, how will it fare for my child if her dad and this woman have kids? I don't know. Only time will tell.

The cons I find are that a mom gets it. A mom understands why another mom doesn't want her kid(s) staying up late. A mom understands why the ex-wife might be gravelly concerned for her daughter's well-being around a new person. A mom would probably have made the attempt to meet me first before meeting my kid (maybe). A mom would understand how hard it is to raise a child, especially a child of divorce. A mom would know how to handle a boo-boo, emergency, sickness, or some other delicate matter simply because hey: she's been there. A woman who hasn't had children doesn't have the same experience or know-how. A mother might understand how to communicate with me down the line about coparenting rather than "learning as she goes," although yes as parents and mothers, we all "learn as we go" and the reality is coparenting is extremely difficult until you have grown so used to it or you've got a great ex and the two of you are easily in sync.

Whether she is a mom or not, let's face it divorced single moms: another woman being in your child's life is scary and sad to some extent, at least in the beginning. This is new for me so I am not sure how it will evolve. Will it get better or get worse? I know my daughter has been cranky somewhat since meeting her, but otherwise, all is quiet, but this is just the beginning. All I can do is hope for the best and be positive. I can conduct myself with class and decorum and try to be the bigger person always. I can approach this person (if we ever meet) with an open mind and find gratitude for when she happens to be kind to my child. Missing time with my daughter almost two years later after her dad and I split is still difficult for me. The idea that she gets to spend time with another woman who isn't her mom stinks, but in divorce as in life we must accept what is. For all of you divorced moms, hang in there and try to be kind to the new wives and girlfriends that will come into your lives. At the end of the day, you want to be able to tell your kids and yourself that you tried your best, no matter whether the situation is wonderful or ugly. And if the woman is unkind or harmful to your child, fight like hell the legal and civilized way to the best of your manner. Ultimately though, I like to believe that the new wives and ladies of our exes' lives simply want to do the right thing and keep the peace. I hope my outlook is correct.

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