11 Things to Call Me at My Sister's Wedding Instead of "Matron of Honor"

My little sister is getting married, and it will be my honor to stand beside her on her big day. But since I'm married, I'll be called her matron of honor. And this isn't sitting well with me.

Look, I get it. I'm not a "maid" anymore. Which is another mildly insulting moniker. But matron? How outdated is that? It's up there with promising to obey your husband in your vows. Shiver. So how about we update the term "matron of honor" for the year 2018? Here are some ideas of what we matrons can be called instead.

  1. Best Woman. Kind of like a best man, which is a far more flattering name for someone who stands up for you at your wedding! And we don't even need to denote maid vs. matron status. As being married or not shouldn't define us anyway. Am I right, ladies?
  2. Old Maid. OK, I jest. But calling me a matron isn't any better.
  3. Grand Dame of Honor. I mean, this title still suggests I'm 80 years old. But I contend it lends more dignity than "matron." Besides, isn't Helen Mirren a grand dame or something? And she's still sexy. And nothing if not dignified.
  4. Housemarm of Honor. Maybe not. But again, I don't see how this differs from matron. Both conjure up images of a woman dressed in that cloak worn by Elisabeth Moss's character in The Handmaid's Tale.
  5. Bride's B*tch. I was actually treated this way by a friend years ago. It was scarring. Never mind.
  6. Spoken-For Woman of Honor. As in, don't try anything, groomsmen. Who are younger than me by 10 years. As if they would.
  7. Kept Woman of Honor. Reminder: I have a husband, essential information for all those in attendance at this blessed union.
  8. Madam of — You know what, this one suggests I might perform other duties at the wedding beyond carrying the bride's bouquet. Moving on.
  9. Brideswoman of Honor. Too long? Still, I think it could work.
  10. Sister of the Bride. Kind of like "mother of the bride," but not nearly as matronly. Seriously, why does my title at these nuptials make me sound older than my own mom?
  11. Mrs. Honor. Too much?

In the end, I guess it's not important what I'm called at my sister's wedding, as this day is about her. And at least after she ties the knot, she'll be a matron, too!