Skip Nav
Little Kids
Little Girl Thought This Bride Was a Real-Life Princess and We Can't Stop Swooning
Best of 2018
The 24 Best Diaper Bags For 2018
Pregnancy
16 Reasons Being Pregnant Now Is So Much Better Than in the 1980s

When Kids Start Oversharing

Oh, Fun — My Son's New Favorite Hobby Is Telling Total Strangers My Secrets

One day at preschool drop off, when my son's teacher asked him how he was doing, his typical "I'm fine" response was replaced with, "My mom took a shower." Disregarding the fact that his answer had no correlation to the question, all I could think of was what his response would've been if I hadn't bathed that morning, and most importantly, how do I distract this kid before he spills some real unpleasantries to both acquaintances and total strangers?

My son, the adorable ticking time bomb, is locked and loaded, ready to nark on me at a moment's notice.

That slightly-awkward-but-not-yet-totally-embarrassing moment was my first experience with my child's recent obsession with informing the unassuming public about my personal business, but it certainly wasn't the last. Since then, it's been one cringe-worthy experience after another. The other day while checking out at the grocery store, my son thought it was the perfect moment to tell the cashier that his mommy ate four cupcakes for breakfast. Was it true? Yes, but I don't want her (or anyone) to know that. And in my defense, they were those mini cupcakes where each one is like a single bite. So four to six individual ones equal one regular size cupcake, right? OK, great. Glad we agree. Anyway . . .

My son has officially entered this dreaded phase, or what I like to call the "telling-my-parents'-business-to-anyone-that'll-listen" phase. No place is safe from his compulsion to spill his guts about mommy and daddy's behaviors. This past Sunday, he decided church was the perfect place to yell to the entire congregation that mommy's boobies have "owies." You may be wondering why he would say such a thing. Well, because breastfeeding is a cruel, painful bitch, and he barged into my bathroom while I was putting the largest amount of lanolin on my ladies. After asking what I was doing, I gave him a simple toddler explanation, which he regurgitated to everyone who decided to join us in some wholesome worship.

My son, the adorable ticking time bomb, is locked and loaded, ready to nark on me at a moment's notice — not that I'm doing anything bad or trying to hide from anyone, but c'mon, kid! Stop telling dad how many Amazon packages were delivered today, and please spare him the details about how mommy backed the car into the garbage cans (again). Oh, and if you could refrain from explaining to him on repeat what we got him for his birthday, that'd be great.

It's bad enough I have to watch what I say because this child has the freakish ability to memorize a word or phrase after only hearing it one time. I had to alter all my favorite swear words, and even that didn't help. Do you know what it sounds like when a toddler says "shoot?" It sounds exactly like "sh*t," ladies and gentlemen. Even with my best efforts in eliminating any existence of a swear word from my child's vernacular, my child walks around sounding like a tiny sailor.

So, what's a mom to do? Honestly, I don't even know. I'm hoping at some point — hopefully soon — my life won't seem so interesting, and he'll turn his attention elsewhere. Better yet, maybe he'll align his sights on dear ol' dad for a change. I'm sure stories about dad letting one rip at the grocery store only to blame it on the baby are far more entertaining than mom applying lanolin to her tore up nipples any day. Until this change happens and someone else becomes a target, I'll just be over here hiding out in the pantry stuffing my face with cupcakes — the tiny ones, of course.

Image Source: Pexels/Pixabay
From Our Partners
Personal Essay on Learning to Love Your Body
Why You Shouldn't Get an IUD
Why It's OK to Have a Lot of Bridesmaids
Mom's Viral Post on School Shooting Victims' Parents
Is Smoking Weed Good For Your Relationship?
What It's Like When Moms Try to Watch TV
What Happens at a Military Ball?
Essay About Being Shamed For Not Breastfeeding
Why Moms Love the Last Day of School
Scary Disney World Rides
How It Feels When All Your Friends Are Having Kids
How to Prevent Ear Pain in Kids When Flying
From Our Partners
Latest Moms
All the Latest From Ryan Reynolds