I Wish I'd Known That I Didn't Have to Go Through My Abortion Alone

This article is part of POPSUGAR's 50 States, 50 Abortions, a large-scale storytelling project that aims to elevate the voices of people who've had abortions. For more information about how to find an abortion clinic near you, please visit The Cut's abortion service finder.

Content warning: The following essay contains text descriptions of domestic abuse, briefly mentioning suicide.

I found out I was pregnant on the second day of my first Very Important Job at a public relations agency. My breasts felt super sore, and I had been vomiting. So on my lunch break, I got a bunch of pregnancy tests — at least five. I bought some of the classics with the plus and negative signs and a few digital ones for accuracy.

I waited for the results in the bathroom at work. The first few were impossible to read, like when you take an at-home COVID test and the answer comes up blurry. When the digital ones all said "pregnant," I got weak in the knees. Learning I was pregnant wasn't a happy piece of news.

At the time, I was living in Phoenix with my boyfriend. He was 26, and I was 31. We had plans to be this power couple — until the abuse started. He developed symptoms of borderline personality disorder in his mid-20s, after we'd been together for a couple of years.

By the time I became pregnant in 2013, my boyfriend had hit me several times already. He would black out and scream "I hate you" or make threats like "I'm gonna kill you." I knew if I had my baby, he would kill us both and then commit suicide. I had to get rid of it. I believed I was saving my unborn baby from this experience.

We had a friend staying with us, so I waited until the end of the week after the friend left to give my boyfriend the news. I hadn't had a period since I was 22 because I was severely underweight, so we assumed I couldn't get pregnant. His jaw dropped when I told him about the positive results. Thankfully, he immediately agreed we couldn't keep this baby.

I technically had up to 20 or 24 weeks to receive an abortion in Arizona. (Editors' note: A law enacted in 2012 in Arizona banned abortion after 20 weeks; in 2013, however, that law was struck down as unconstitutional on the basis of the Supreme Court's precedent that protected a person's right to terminate a pregnancy before fetal viability, generally accepted to be around 24 weeks, reports Reuters. This precedent was overturned with the overruling of Roe v. Wade. For more information about the current legal status of abortion in Arizona at this time, visit AbortionFinder.org.) But I wanted to take care of the situation as soon as possible. In my rush to get an abortion, I decided on a clinic offering free services even though driving there would take over an hour. When I arrived, they told me I needed to do a sonogram to confirm I was pregnant.

I felt so vulnerable with my legs in the air and jelly on my tummy. The first thing that the tech said to me was, "That's a strong heartbeat." At the time, I registered it as a strange thing to say to someone getting an abortion. Then the tech confirmed I was eight weeks pregnant and let the counselor — a young girl, possibly an intern in training — start talking about the resources they could provide. When they told me they'd pray for me, I knew the "free services" didn't mean I'd be getting an abortion.

I later found out it was a Christian-run clinic that tricks women into thinking they can access free reproductive healthcare and conveniently neglects to mention the guilt-trip routine that comes with it.

For my second attempt at accessing an abortion, I reached out to Planned Parenthood to get a recommendation and was able to vet the provider through their reviews. It was all very professional and at an actual doctor's office. But as I was walking toward the exit, the staff warned me to "be careful when you leave." I didn't understand why until I ran into the protesters outside yelling, "Baby killers!" When they started to harass me, I lied and told them I had gone in for some skin treatment.

For years, I kept the abortion a secret. I had no support system. Even though it was my decision, going through that — while starting a new job — was very emotional. I regret not asking for help, especially because almost immediately after I returned home from the procedure, things went from bad to worse with my boyfriend. A friend had brought me food for my recovery, but he took all of it for himself (along with my pain medication) and then invited his friends to our place for a pool party.

Sometime after the abortion, my boyfriend realized my parents had paid for my brothers' weddings. That's when he decided he wanted to get me pregnant — in the hope that he'd have access to money set aside for my big day. He put me on a location finder, so he'd know if I went to the pharmacy to buy pregnancy tests. Without his knowledge, I started on birth control. One day, he found my prescription and flew into a rage. I watched as he removed every individual pill and threw each down the kitchen sink.

He'd hide my keys so I couldn't leave. There were days I couldn't go to work because of the bruises on my face. Once, I had guns pointed at me and found myself in a car's trunk. That whole time, I kept thinking about my unborn child and how lucky they were to not have to endure it with me.

When I tried to leave, he would threaten to take my abortion paperwork to my parents — my devout Catholic parents, who thought we were already "living in sin" and didn't know I'd ever been pregnant. He told me my dad would have a heart attack and die from the shame, which I honestly believed. I've never wanted to disappoint my parents.

I finally left my boyfriend in October 2018, after eight on-and-off years together and five years after my abortion. I eventually learned he married someone and got her pregnant within weeks. Later, when she filed for divorce, there were reports that Child Protective Services were involved regularly.

When the news came about the Supreme Court overturning Roe v. Wade, my first thought was that if I was in the same situation now that I was in back then, I know he would have kept me locked in our house until I was too far along in my pregnancy. He would've taken my keys, purse, laptop, and phone until I could no longer legally get the procedure. I know it.

I fear for the women in abusive situations who already have to ask themselves, "Am I going to make it to see Thursday?" When you're struggling to survive, factoring in a child who doesn't even exist yet makes it much more complicated. Nobody should ever endure that.

If I could go back in time, I'd tell myself, as I tell you now, that you don't have to go through it alone. When people say they'll support you, most really mean it. Just reach out.

— Anonymous (she/her) (Arizona), as told to Melanie Whyte

If you or a loved one are experiencing domestic abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 toll-free at 1-800-799-7233, or text "START" to 88788.

Image Sources For "Click For Stories From Each State": Unsplash / Aaron Burden, Getty / Sergii Iaremenko/Science Photo Library, Unsplash / Manik Roy and Photo Illustration: Patricia O'Connor