Everyone's Talking About These Selena Gomez Jokes From Justin Bieber's Roast

By Nick Maslow

Updated on 3/31/2015 at 9:00 AM

Getty | Rindoff / Steven Lawton
Getty | Rindoff / Steven Lawton

Justin Bieber's Comedy Central Roast aired March 30, but the most cringe-worthy lines from the laugh-filled taping earlier this month were already making the rounds online. Justin aside, no other star was an easier target than his ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez, who has since moved on with DJ Zedd. Multiple roasters fit in laughs with lines referencing Selena's Mexican ancestry, rumors about her love life, and her relationship with Justin. Considering the circumstances, Justin reacted to the Selena zingers in the best way possible, and he wrapped up the night with an apology after delivering this line: "What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours." If that joke surprises you, wait until you read what the roasters said about Justin and Selena. Be warned: some of these reported quotes are cruel.

Selena Gomez Jokes

  1. "Selena Gomez had to f*ck you. She is literally the least lucky Selena in​ all of entertainment history." — Natasha Leggero
  2. "You're about to get f*cked harder than Orlando Bloom f*cked Selena Gomez." — Chris D'Elia
  3. "Selena Gomez had sex with [you] . . . proving Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs Americans just won't do." — Jeff Ross
  4. "Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she's dating men now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you?" — Jeff Ross
  5. "Selena Gomez couldn't be here tonight. Just because she didn't want to be here. I wish I had something better to tell you, but I don't." — Kevin Hart

Justin Bieber Jokes

  1. "Justin, you have no idea what you're in for. I'm sure it's great to have 60 million followers on Twitter, but the only place people will be following you in jail is into the shower." — Martha Stewart
  2. "This kid has spunk, moxie, and a few other STDs." — Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy
  3. "You bought a monkey! I mean, that monkey was more embarrassed than the one that started the AIDS epidemic." — Snoop Dogg
  4. "Justin's Canadian. He's actually considered American, because no Canadian has ever been this much of an assh*le." — Kevin Hart
  5. "They say that you roast the ones you love, but I don't like you at all, man. I'm just here because it's a real good opportunity for me. Actually you should thank me for participating in this extremely transparent attempt to be more likable in the public eye. And, I hope it doesn't work." — Hannibal Buress
  6. "You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life. . . . Find yourself the right gal, but she's going to have to [be] really special, someone on your level, someone powerful and famous and rich. . . . Someone you can smoke a joint with or engage in the occasional three-way. . . . I'm talking about a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom. . . . So, Justin, my final piece of advice is, call me." — Martha Stewart
  7. "Usher is the one who took you under his wing. You're the worst thing that Usher has done to America, since the guy who sat John Wilkes Booth behind Abraham Lincoln." — Pete Davidson
  8. "You gotta give it up for Justin. He started from the bottom and he's still a bottom." — Hannibal Buress
  9. "Bieber has 10 million fans — most are in middle schools, or standing at least 500 feet away from one." – Kevin Hart
  10. "Justin, as a father of six you have to straighten up, son. Last year, you were ranked the fifth most hated person of all time. Kim Jong-un didn't rank that low. And he uses your music to torture people." — Shaquille O'Neal
  11. "Justin wants to be black so bad, he's actually seen Kevin Hart's movies in theaters." — Ludacris
  12. "Justin, you are the King Joffrey of Pop." — Jeff Ross
  13. "Those Calvin Klein billboards you made are terrible. And I was in Whitney." — Chris D'Elia
  14. "Justin, you have such a huge career behind you." — Jeff Ross

— Additional reporting by Kirbie Johnson