Girl Drama Starts Earlier Than You Think — Here's How to Equip Your Kid

Updated on Oct 26, 2018 at 1:35 PM

POPSUGAR Photography | Diggy Lloyd

Mean girls isn't just the title of an exceptionally awesome movie (and the inspiration for a host of other flicks). Unfortunately, it's also a reality for many school-aged children, starting at a way younger age than any mom wants to hear. Was I taken aback when my now almost 8-year-old daughter's kindergarten teacher told me one of her classmates was a tiny Regina George, dedicated to dominating the 5-year-old social scene and cutting down any girl who would challenge her dominance? Um, ya, but then I realized that my outrage was going to do very little to prepare my own, thankfully oblivious, kid for the girl drama that she'd inevitably be dealing with for decades to come (I shudder to think about middle school), if not the rest of her life.

Instead, we started talking about it. About why kids in general — but especially girls, who are quicker to figure out the concept of a social hierarchy and how they can affect their place in it — sometimes say hurtful things or try to leave people out on purpose. About why she should always stand up for herself and others when she sees someone being mean. About why she should choose to be kind, to include everyone, and to hang out with a lot of friends, all of who might teach her new things, before latching on to just one best buddy.

So far, we've avoided any real melodrama, but my daughter is only in second grade. From what I hear from moms of older girls, it's coming, showing up in the form of group Halloween costumes that not everyone can be part of, in exclusive slumber parties the uninvited will hear all about, and in lunchroom gossip circles focused on an outsider they want to keep that way. If girl drama has entered your daughter's orbit — or you want to gently prepare her for the inevitable — here's where to start.

Listen and Ask Questions

Getting your kids to open up about anything that happens during school hours can be difficult (these tips can help), so be patient and prepared to listen when your child is ready to talk. This means putting down your phone and focusing your attention wholly on her. Once she's done talking, ask open-ended questions that will help you learn more about the situation and your child's feelings about it.

Empathize and Teach Her Empathy

Let your child know that you hear her and understand her emotions by saying something like, "That must have really hurt your feelings" or "I bet you were really sad when they left you out." In addition, talk about some of the reasons that might cause a kid to be mean. For example, you can say things like, "She might be afraid that people won't be friends with her unless she bosses them around" or "Sometimes when people don't feel confident with themselves, they act out to feel better." Show your child that they're not the problem and can rise above the drama.

Brainstorm Solutions Together

This is not the time to solve your kid's problem for her, as tempted as you might be to call the mean girls' parents or your child's teacher. In fact, doing so is likely to make things worse. Instead, talk to your child about potential solutions and let her take the lead in executing those solutions. Try role-playing scenarios to help your child get comfortable handling situations and interactions with mean girls.

Don't Force Them to Change Friend Groups

Also don't force them to stay in their current group of friends if it's not working for them anymore. Groups of friends are constantly changing in elementary and middle school as kids figure out their personalities, likes and dislikes, and interests, and find others with similar traits. Let your child take the lead on finding their niche. Do talk about the qualities of being a good friend and why she should surround herself with friends who are equally good to her.

Help Your Child Build Self Esteem and Confidence

People can only make us feel as bad as we let them, so work with your child to build confidence. A high level of self esteem will help her shake off any girl drama that comes her way and seek out positive and rewarding friendships that build her up, not break her down.

Don't Assume Your Child Is the Victim

It's easy for a parent to assume our children are innocent when it comes to drama with friends, but there's usually more to the situation than, "Molly was mean to me" or "Elizabeth stole my squishy." Try to get the entire story so you can explain to your daughter what role she's playing, if any, in a negative interaction. Always start with telling your child that you love them unconditionally and that everyone makes mistakes, and that taking responsibility, apologizing, and doing better in the future is the most important thing.

Don't Tolerate Bullying

Whether your child is being bullied or you suspect is bullying others, now's the time to speak up. Enlist the help of your child's teacher, school counselor, or principal and the parents of the other children involved. Help your kid understand the severity of the situation (these books can help). Let your child know that you will not tolerate bullying and neither should she.