50 Things I've Done as a Member of the No-Sleep Parenting Club

If you are a parent, you've probably heard, "You'll never sleep again!" from no fewer that 500 friends, family members, and strangers. Unfortunately, they weren't kidding. After putting down the baby for a peaceful night's rest, you'll soon realize there is no such thing for you. And then, as a matter of course, comes your oops moment. But as a veteran of the no-sleep club, I'm here to tell you there's no need to be embarrassed.

Yes, you're wondering how the heck you're going to face a day of kid wrangling, commuting, working, cleaning, cooking, and general life maintenance without a few hours of shut-eye. You probably won't. But know even though you didn't accomplish your to-do list and feel like a walking train wreck, you'll still be a super parent in the eyes of your loving children.

So if you're just joining the sleep-deprived parents' society, welcome! If you're an old pro, welcome back! Enjoy these 50 things I've done as a sleep deprived mom (that you've probably done, too).

  1. Overdosed on caffeine. If they had an IV drip available, I would be all over that!
  2. Rocked PJs all day with no shame.
  3. Locked myself in the bathroom just to get some alone time.
  4. Missed the turn to get to the kids' school. Kept driving for 10 minutes before I even realized it.
  5. Had to call my husband to figure out what day it is.
  6. Eagerly counted down the hours to bedtime . . . even though I know I'll just toss and turn all night.
  7. Forgot to go to my weekly appointments because I forgot what day my husband said it was.
  8. Canceled the plans I made months ago because I couldn't remember how to shower and do my hair.
  9. Rocked the same messy bun for three days straight.
  10. Pulled up to the store. Sat in the car staring at the entrance. Went home because I was too tired to get out of the car.
  11. Did all the grocery shopping online after failing to walk into the store. Didn't plan anything for dinner, and we all ate kind-of-stale cereal without milk.
  12. Created a strategic plan to get some rest and take control of my life tomorrow. Included detailed strategy notes, inspirational quotes, and a perfectly planned out timeline. It didn't work out, weirdly.
  13. Shut and locked the front door when we got home but left the keys in the door.
  14. Tried to make two pieces of toast three times. Burned every single one because I forgot it in the toaster. Finally decided to just eat the burnt toast.
  15. Rewashed the same load of laundry five times over the course of three days before I finally got around to folding the previous load that was sitting in the dryer.
  16. Walked into door knobs, chairs, and that same corner of the bed that seems to move. Mystery bruises are part of my wardrobe now.
  17. Melted down over the smallest thing at the most inappropriate time in front of the last person I ever wanted to see me in this state. (Hi, Susan!)
  18. Rocked the bags under my eyes because I earned them.
  19. Made one of those totally inappropriate "Get your sleep now!" comments to a pregnant lady behind me in line at the store, even though I hated those moms who said that to me when I was the pregnant lady.
  20. Gave and received the "I feel you" nod with all the other exhausted moms at school drop-off.
  21. Lived in yoga pants and baggy t-shirts because I can.
  22. Backed out of the garage without opening the door. MAJOR oops!
  23. Made it through the entire shopping process at the grocery store, but was too tired to cook once I got home. So we ate kind-of-stale cereal with milk.
  24. Wistfully mourned over old pictures of days when I had it all together.
  25. Got into bed at 9 p.m. to get some rest. Stayed up all night thinking about how important it is to get some sleep and how much sleep I've been missing.
  26. Put my shoes on the wrong feet. Went about my day.
  27. Put lotion on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste. Does not taste as good as it smells.
  28. Put my shirt on inside out and went out in public. Noticed during my first errand and never bothered to fix it.
  29. Snapped at my husband for the millionth time. He just doesn't understand my degree of tired.
  30. Considered seriously injuring the next person who complains they are tired, especially if they don't have kids.
  31. Fed the kids snacks all day because it's the one thing they can get out of the cabinet themselves.
  32. Sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes thinking it was a red light.
  33. Made coffee without putting any coffee grounds in the coffee maker.
  34. Unloaded the dishwasher and put away an entire load of dirty dishes.
  35. Drove the kids to school on a Saturday.
  36. Lost the remote control for two days because I put it down in the fridge when getting the baby some milk.
  37. Went all day without eating because it took too much effort to get up and make myself something.
  38. Used the TV as a babysitter even though I swore I would never be that mom.
  39. Sat on the phone waiting for someone to come back on the line after they had already said goodbye and hung up.
  40. Forgot to put my son's underwear on before his pants.
  41. Drove all the way to the store to pick up some bread before I realized I left my wallet at home.
  42. Walked in circles around the house because I couldn't remember what I finally got off the couch for.
  43. Avoided every single person who called because my brain wasn't capable of carrying on a conversation.
  44. Made the kids go silent when the doorbell rang so I could pretend no one was home.
  45. Wasted an hour enviously scrolling through my kid-less friends' social media profiles.
  46. Wondered what kind of supernatural accident I'd have to get into to look like that mom at the school drop-off who always has her sh*t together.
  47. Forgot all the paperwork for kindergarten registration because I didn't process anything I read in the letter they sent home.
  48. Completely zoned out and didn't hear the kids or my husband talking to me.
  49. Wondered if I could feasibly live without sleep for 18 years.
  50. Smiled looking at my sleeping child knowing that there is no greater love than this. No amount of sleep could make me change my life with them for the world.