I Had to Self-Manage My Abortion in a State Where It's Banned

This article is part of POPSUGAR's 50 States, 50 Abortions, a large-scale storytelling project that aims to elevate the voices of people who've had abortions. For more information about how to find an abortion clinic near you, please visit The Cut's abortion service finder.

The information in this article reflects one individual's personal experiences with self-managed medication abortion, a process which is illegal in some states as of press time. It is not intended to advise anyone on what specific course of treatment to pursue or to provide medical or legal advice. Anyone uncertain about what course of action is appropriate for them or their situation, and what course of action is possible for them where they live, should consult professionals familiar with their circumstances and the applicable state's laws. The reproductive justice organization If/When/How has more information about self-managed abortion.

I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), and I was told all my life that I could not become pregnant. My cycle is really irregular because of the PCOS, too, so I didn't start realizing something was off until my boobs started hurting a lot. Then I threw up at work for three days straight. I was thinking, "This has got to be some weird bug." But just out of curiosity, I was like, "You know what? I should probably take a pregnancy test." Before I could even pull it out from under me, it was showing positive.

So much went through my head when I saw I was pregnant. I never thought I'd be able to get pregnant, so there was a little bit of excitement, but at the same time, I was like, "I'm not in a position to take care of this child. There's no way I would be able to give this child a life that they would succeed in and have the tools necessary to flourish and thrive." I mean, I'm a student, I work part time, and I'm still trying to make ends meet.

I found out I was pregnant this year on Aug. 5, and I figured out with a conception-date calculator that I probably got pregnant around June 15. Oklahoma banned abortions on June 28. So I was also thinking, "Oh my gosh, this legislation just passed. How am I going to get access to an abortion?" I felt like my hands were tied. I was like, "Because of this, I am going to be a criminal according to the state of Oklahoma."

I wasn't able to go out of state for an abortion. I don't have a car, I couldn't take time off, and I don't have the means financially, so my next option was a medication abortion. I got in touch with an organization that prescribes and sends abortion pills, and it was a process of maybe three weeks before I received the package in the mail with instructions on how to take them. All that time, I was walking around knowing I was growing something inside me that I knew was not going to come to fruition. Emotionally, it was very hard not to get a little bit attached. I was really torn, but I knew that at the end of the day, this was going to be the best decision for me and for this child, because I didn't want this child to not have everything that it needed to thrive.

When I started the actual abortion process, I took mifepristone the first day, and then I took two sets of four misoprostol pills over the course of the next day. About 30 minutes after the first round of misoprostol, I started to feel some cramping while I was lying in bed. I had to keep the pills under my tongue to dissolve, and by the time they did, the cramps hit full force, like a brick wall. I was sweating. I was bound to the bathroom. I felt like a toothpaste tube that was just being wrung out.

After I took the second round of misoprostol four hours later, I started experiencing nausea and still had massive cramps coming in waves. About two hours after I took the second set of pills, I started to feel things passing. Out of morbid curiosity, I looked. I wanted to see, and I wanted a little bit of closure at that point. I couldn't have imagined the amount of blood coming out of me. I have a high threshold for pain, and the whole process was probably one of the most painful things that I've ever gone through in my life.

The aftercare instructions said I could bleed for up to four weeks after the procedure, and so far, that has pretty much been true. The first couple of days afterward, I was still kind of riding on adrenaline because I was able to go to work with minimal pain. But the week after that, my body was just healing. Almost daily, I called the Miscarriage and Abortion Hotline, and they were so kind, helpful, and informative. They broke it down for me scientifically and went through it piece by piece: what my body's doing, how it's healing, when to worry, and when not to worry. It's been a really comforting experience to know that all these abortion resources and hotlines are out there to help you if needed.

I have to play it safe deciding who to tell about my abortion because it's illegal in Oklahoma. I have a few friends I really trust who helped me. If I ever have the slightest doubt, I just tell people that it was a miscarriage.

I haven't always thought that it was a woman's right to choose to get an abortion. When I was growing up, I mimicked whatever ideologies my parents had, including that life is created at conception. But when I had my first pregnancy scare at 17, I realized that pregnancy could detract from my life, my goals, my aspirations, and I truly began to believe that this needs to be a woman's choice. I think the fact that Roe v. Wade has been overturned and abortion has been left to states' interpretation instead of being a federally protected right is disgusting, in all honesty, because I don't think that any woman should have to bear a child as a repercussion.

I always try to look at every experience as something I can learn from. What's kept me from being so incredibly sad about this process is the fact that I know now it's possible for me to have children in the future. And I also feel more focused on my studies and where I'm going in life. It opened my eyes to the opportunities I have now, because if this would have happened and I had become a mom, that would've made it infinitely harder for me to finish my degree and pursue my dreams.

If anyone else ends up in a situation like this, just know that there may still be resources out there for you and — I can't express this enough — that they run like a well-oiled machine. Know your cycle inside and out. If something feels off, take a pregnancy test sooner rather than later. Find a support system that is going to be there for you no matter what.

— Anonymous (she/they) (Oklahoma), as told to Maggie Ryan

Image Sources For "Click For Stories From Each State": Unsplash / Aaron Burden, Getty / Sergii Iaremenko/Science Photo Library, Unsplash / Manik Roy and Photo Illustration: Patricia O'Connor