If There Were a Class on Becoming a Mother, This Is What "Momming 101" Would Look Like

Motherhood is basically one long stretch of trial and error. Most of us don't start actively preparing to become mothers until we're actually pregnant, and by that time, we've got nine months or less to cram in a lifetime of information. No matter how ready we think we get during that short span of time, there's always something we didn't expect to encounter ("Projectile pooping is an actual thing?!") — and it doesn't end with infancy.

Wouldn't it be nice to have an actual course to guide us through the nuances of parenting? I'm thinking the syllabus would sound something like . . .

Welcome to Momming 101! In this course, we will be mastering the basics required to successfully perform the job of mothering. As the curriculum is somewhat rigorous and its list of topics extensive, you may find that you need more time to accomplish a grasp of certain abilities. In the event that you don't catch onto something right away, there is no need to worry; this course is extended in length, so you will have plenty of time to practice putting these skills into action. Know that situations may vary, so certain skills may take priority over others.

Below is a brief synopsis of some of the units we will be exploring throughout the duration of Momming 101:

Deciphering Information. You will be faced with advice and information from many avenues — books, the internet, your great-aunt Martha — some credible, some unreliable. We will delve into which resources are worth taking seriously and which to take with a grain of salt.

Operating at Suboptimal Sleep Levels. Motherhood is a lifestyle lived almost entirely in exhaustion, especially during its introductory phase. In this unit, you will learn the techniques necessary to function effectively when your brain is in a constant sleep-deprived state. (Note: required course materials for this unit include an extralarge coffee mug.)

Nutrition. In this unit, we will go beyond the "breast vs. bottle" debate to answer more pressing questions such as, "Do pickles count as a vegetable?" and "Can toddlers really exist on Goldfish crackers and crumbs from underneath the couch?"

Stealth Techniques. The ability to be super stealthy is one of the greatest tools in a mother's arsenal. This unit teaches the art of being both quiet and agile, skills that will come in handy when it comes to a multitude of situations such as slipping out from underneath a sleeping baby, sneaking broken toys into the trash, and eating snacks without your children's knowledge.

Advanced Stain Removal. Laundry as you know it will never be the same — and come to think of it, neither will your carpet. Learn how to remove chunks without grinding them in, how to remove bodily fluids from delicate fabrics, and which solutions best eliminate grass stains, chocolate pudding and spaghetti sauce, sticker residue, and ill-gotten permanent marker.

First Aid. This unit will cover the spectrum of injuries, from imaginary boo-boos to those which incur thousand-dollar emergency room bills. You will learn how to treat them, and which ones are worthy of panicking over (secretly, of course). Similarly, you will learn to recognize various rashes and illnesses, and to spot the difference between, "Mom, I don't feel well," and "Mom, there's a test at school today that I'd really like to skip."

Nonverbal Communication. Much of the communication you send and receive during Momming will rely on more than just language. This unit will familiarize you with universal nonverbal mothering signals such as the "Did you just sass me?" head tilt, the "You can do this!" hand or shoulder squeeze, and the "You'd better not embarrass me in public" eye widening.

Masterful Multitasking. A key requirement of motherhood is the ability to take multitasking to expert levels. You will gain valuable experience in performing various tasks while on the toilet, simultaneously preparing meals and helping with homework, answering incessant questions while paying bills, and more.

Negotiation and Diplomacy. This unit is designed to give you the upper hand when responding to allegations of parental unfairness, delegating household chores and corresponding allowance rates (if applicable), and determining who is indeed responsible in a room full of "not me."

The Versatility of Yoga Pants. Most professions have uniforms, and Momming is no different. Here, we will discuss the ubiquitous yoga pant and how you can make it work for your wardrobe in a variety of circumstances.

Note: your performance in Momming 101 is highly subjective, so please do not compare your progress to that of your fellow students.

I suppose that in real life, such a class wouldn't be very practical; we barely have time to shower, let alone write reports and take quizzes. Besides, the field experience we get every minute of every day counts more than any textbook or lecture ever could.

In reality, there's no better guarantee of retaining a lesson than by finding out the hard way — like, for example, that a toddler who can reach the cat's litter box will reach the cat's litter box. And probably sample the contents.

Don't ask me how I know.