73 Things That I Still Can't Believe Happen in A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding

Updated on 12/13/2018 at 7:30 AM

For reasons unknown, I've gotten into the habit of watching Netflix's so-bad-they're-good holiday romances — The Princess Switch, A Christmas Inheritance, A Christmas Prince . . . the list (miraculously) goes on. Fortunately for us all, the sequel for the latter film, A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding, has finally arrived, which means I've once again taken it upon myself to watch it in all its cringey glory armed with a bottle of wine and a deep sense of self-loathing.

This time around, Amber (Rose McIver) and Prince Richard (Ben Lamb) are set to tie the knot in Aldovia on Christmas Day. But of course Amber starts second-guessing if she truly has what it takes to be queen, while Richard deals with a political crisis that could destroy the kingdom he fought so hard for. But, hey, at least no one gets attacked by wolves!

Unsurprisingly, it ends up being just as unintentionally hilarious as A Christmas Prince, so I highly recommend watching it as long as you're at least two or three glasses of spiked eggnog deep. In case you want a primer for what happens, though, I've helpfully broken down all of the sequel's most absurd moments. Just be warned: serious spoilers ahead!

Right off the bat, the sequel is already better since it features footage of New York City, where Amber is supposed to live, instead of random establishing shots in Chicago (yes, they actually did that in the first film).
Wow, they even made Richard a fake Aldovian passport! The budget for this movie must've been at least . . . I don't know . . . $500? That sounds right.
There are a few important things we discover up front: first that this story picks up a little under a year since the last movie ended, second that Amber is now a successful blogger, and third that Prince Richard's middle name is Bevan. Bevan!
Oh, and fourth: they're getting married on Christmas, which is arguably the worst date to get married other than Valentine's Day or Thanksgiving.
Amber's engagement ring looks like it's a blue sapphire, just like Kate Middleton's.
Amber brings her dad along for the trip from NYC to Aldovia, and they apparently fly commercial without any form of security. How do we know this? Because they're swarmed with paparazzi within minutes of touching down.
"So much for my plan to slip in quietly," Amber says while standing in front of the airport in a bright pink coat making a scene for five straight minutes.

So, the actor playing her dad is not the same guy as in the first movie?! It was like the casting department didn't even try.
The new Rudy (John Guerrasio, who's replaced Daniel Fathers) even makes a few quips about it — "I feel like a brand new person, must be this fresh mountain air!"
Later when he meets Princess Emily, she remarks that he "looks different" than his photos, and Amber brushes it off by saying he'd merely shaved his goatee.
At this point I proceeded to brush off the first of many plot holes by polishing off my first glass of wine.
Her dad is so unbelievably rude!!! There's no way Amber would've allowed him to lift the queen in the air, or shake a small child's head back and forth, would she?!
OF COURSE SHE WOULD.
The sound effect that happens when her dad bites into Aldovia's jellied meat will haunt me for all my days.

Luckily one and a half glasses of wine is enough to help me cope with the severe disappointment that Amber's maroon Converse sneakers are still the only shoes she wears.
She's also increased her collection of business-casual blouses. A piece of clothing we all associate with future queens, of course!
We get to meet Amber's wedding planner, a flamboyant man named Sahil (Raj Bajaj) who is a sassy ~~knock-off~~ combination of Paolo (Larry Miller) from The Princess Diaries and The Incredibles' Edna Mode.
I can't decide if I love or hate that he refers to Jimmy Choo shoes as "Jimmy Choo-Choos."
(I regretfully must confess that I love it.)
The way he glides around the room has settled it: I officially am Sahil's biggest fan.

If a straitjacket had sex with a doily, their baby would look something like the wedding dress Sahil chooses for Amber. I'm no longer his biggest fan.
I am a big fan of this wine though. Very big fan.

A big part of the plot is the mystery of why Richard's new initiative for Aldovia, which is supposed to help with education and infrastructure while pumping money back into the economy, is sucking so hard.
Basically, money is disappearing from the kingdom like crazy. Rather than investigating where the money is going, though, Prince Richard prefers to shrug and brood.
In between all the shrugging and brooding he gives a passionate speech in the town square trying to sell Aldovians on his initiative, but it gets crashed by protesters.
I know Richard is doing the right thing, but the signs protesting him are hilarious. Some, as you can see above, were clearly designed in a Word document with extremely catchy slogans like, "WHY?" and "THIS IS ALDOVIA." Like . . . obviously, it's Aldovia?!
For once I side with Amber here, since she tries to convince Richard to look into the missing money. He questions why she cares so much, and she says she used to balance her dad's books at the diner. Richard's response? "This isn't a diner, it's a kingdom." DAMN.

Speaking of Amber's dad and his diner, he continues to make the most absurd New York references, making Amber a "Coney Island bloodhound" sandwich and noting that Aldovia's streets "sure beat the Bronx Expressway."
In case you forgot who he was, he's helpfully wearing his "Rudy's Diner" shirt in a few scenes.
There was nothing else you wanted to pack, buddy? Not like, a nice button-down or something?
He deeply insults the palace's chef a few times, insisting that his daughter deserves to have diner food at her royal wedding. I repeat: diner food at her royal wedding.
It also seems like the movie is setting up a romance between Rudy and the palace chef, which is ridiculous but also fine (I GUESS) since Amber and Richard are barely ever together and always fighting.
To make it crystal clear that her father is Not From Around These Parts™, the script even has him suggest the palace decorate for the holidays with those giant inflatables. Sigh.

What's potentially more troubling than Rudy is the return of the first film's villain, cousin Simon.
The movie reveals this with an incredibly cheesy zoom-in on every member of the family's faces when he enters the room, complete with high-pitched violins playing in the background.
You can tell Simon is still up to no good since his hair is so greasy. Despite that, Richard forgives him

Now that I've finished three glasses of wine and I'm getting really sick of Amber and Richard's bummer of a plot, I think it's time to discuss how perfect Princess Emily, played by Honor Kneafsey, is.
Since Amber isn't dragging her out into the woods to toboggan anymore, Emily is busy starring in Aldovia's Christmas play about an old folktale. The story follows an ogre who falls in love with a princess who has magical powers, who then . . . does some other stuff and somehow gives Santa his magic in the end? Honestly, I don't know. It's bizarre.
Amber makes Emily her costume for the play, complete with metallic blue sneakers, and Emily totally acts like she's excited about Amber's weird obsession with Converse. What a gem.
Sneakers aside, the stage Emily is performing this play on is THE TINIEST STAGE IN THE WORLD. Like, if you lined up all the pairs of maroon Converse Amber owns in a row (I'm assuming about 20 pairs, give or take?) it would be bigger than this sad stage.
But who cares, because Emily is crushing on her costar, a quiet cutie named Tom Quill!
I would 100 percent watch a spinoff about Princess Emily falling in love.
Sadly the workers helping out with the play go on strike because of Richard's initiative, cutting the lights and refusing to work. Emily is heartbroken, and so am I.
*pauses to refill wine glass and shed a tear for poor Emily.
Emily gets all the best lines in the movie, but my favorite might be when she tells Amber that they can't distract her from the cancellation of the play with a snowball fight by saying "I have every right to feel sorry for myself." Carve that on my tombstone.

Simon tries to pitch Richard a plan for repairing the country, but the prince ignores him since he assumes Simon is just trying to steal more money.
A word I never thought I'd hear in these movies: "cryptocurrency."
Since Aldovia apparently doesn't have a fancy minister of finance or something, they drag one of Richard's late father's advisers out of retirement, Lord Leopold.
Leopold immediately ends up seeming even shiftier than Simon, which is saying something.
Yetis are brought up a surprising amount of times in this movie.
I wish I could hear Meghan Markle accusing Queen Elizabeth II of "censoring" her blog the way Amber does.
She makes the case that she should be able to blog because her photo-heavy posts about the intimate ins and outs of the royal family keep going viral. Seriously, Amber?!

Amber decides to take back some control of her life by . . . conducting a rogue investigation into why the kingdom is losing money with her two former coworkers from Beat Now (or is it Now Beat?) after they arrive in Aldovia for her bachelorette party.
After tracking down a contractor in an Aldovian dive bar where every patron has a different type of UK accent, he tells them that a mysterious shell company has been scooping up all the profits on the sly. Dun, dun, dunnnn!
As it turns out, Simon actually IS a good guy this time around, and vows to help Amber and her friends figure out who owns the shell company.
. . . which he does by making Emily hack into some royal database for information. Once again, Emily saving the day.
When Amber confesses to Richard what they've all been up to, however, they get into a massive fight. Making matters worse is the fact that the royal family's protocol adviser, Mrs. Averill, has taken Amber's blog down.
Which leads to Amber running away from the palace.
I REPEAT: she almost calls off the wedding because of HER BLOG.
Everyone proceeds to search for Amber not at train stations, or seeing if she got a flight out, or even calling her phone — only by SCREAMING HER NAME THROUGH THE CASTLE.
Emily proves she's the all-time MVP once again for not only giving Richard a beautiful pep talk, but also figuring out who owns the shell corporation and therefore who's been stealing money from Aldovia all along: Lord Leopold! Duh.
Richard eventually finds Amber in a faraway cabin decked out with holiday decor. Are we supposed to know what this place is? And we're supposed to believe she rode a horse there even though she famously can't ride horses? And while we're here, how much wine is too much wine for one person, you guys?

The whole family has a big showdown with Lord Leopold that ends with him trying to slink out of the room and AMBER THREATENING HIM WITH A BOW AND ARROW.
The queen also sentences him to be thrown in the dungeon. Truly wild.
But enough about that! We're here to discuss the wedding, right? Well, clearly Netflix wasted the budget on tiny stages and Coney Island food because Amber and Richard's "grand" nuptials are held inside a church that's smaller than the big-ass crowns they wear after the ceremony.
Amber's dress, which she picks out herself after ditching Sahil's first choice, is, to be blunt, only slightly less ugly than the first one we see her in. But let's just be thankful she's not wearing a pair of Converse with it . . .
JUST KIDDING. She's wearing metallic gold and silver sneakers under her dress. Because of course.

Let's all join in a moment of silence for these nightmarish cake toppers.

One of the dishes her father makes for the reception is "hockey puck sliders painted red." A masterpiece!
The queen ends up catching the bouquet, and it's hinted she's going to hook up with Emily's bodyguard. Ooh-la-la.
And then literally every other main character pairs off: Simon and Amber's friend Melissa, Sahil and Amber's other friend Andy, Emily and Tom, and . . . wait a second. We endured all those scenes of Rudy and the palace chef just for them not to get together in the end?!
The last scene of the movie is Amber and Richard making out in the courtyard as their friends and family do a conga line around them through the deep snow in heels and dress shoes, which basically sums up the entire movie, doesn't it?
*opens another bottle of wine and hits 'replay'*