Did you, new mom of one, just exit the building with your — gasp — baby? Did you, mom of plus two, venture out into the world with your big kids and your newborn? EEK!
You, mother of a new baby, are venturing out into public without your partner by your side. Nope, it's just you and the kiddo . . . or kiddos, hoping and praying that none of you has a breakdown, especially you. Oh, sure, we moms say we don't want the baby to cry, but really, it's more of a crime if we cry in public than if the baby does. People understand a tiny newborn's need to wail but not an adult capable of pulling her stuff together. So when you, mom, leave the house with that infant seat carrier, wearing your newborn baby, or pushing that sweet thing in a stroller, you are, indeed, a superhero!
Superman saved cats from on top of trees, and Wonder Woman snatched people from burning buildings (or something like that). But you, mother with a newborn, save society when you dare to venture out into public and come back to your house in one piece! Of course it's difficult to rescue people from a burning building, but surviving a trip to Target with children and a baby or your very first baby and not disturbing the peace or your children is harder. Yes, that's right: harder.
The Look of Success
When Spider-Man goes from one skyscraper to the next, he might get sweaty, but you, out on your own in the world with kids? You bust more than a sweat. You leak breast milk or have formula stains everywhere. Your pants are on backward, and by pants, I mean sweats or yoga pants if you decided to "dress up." Your hair is brushed, maybe, and if you have on makeup, it was put on by supernatural forces.
You are a woman of hard work and determination. Those superheros/heroines look way too shiny and happy, and I am sorry, but if you're out saving the world, you're going to look disheveled. You, my friend, are a trouper for braving the streets in your yoga pants/ponytail/snotty, poop-stained t-shirt as you run on a mere two hours of sleep. Let's not forget that postpartum maxi pad you're sporting that's as big as a spaceship. As far as I am concerned, you deserve a round of applause.
Speaking of No Sleep
You are in charge of another human being's life, yet people think stopping trains with one's hand is an amazing feat. Humph! I should say not. Now up the ante by adding in the fact that you haven't slept in days if you just had your first kid or possibly years if this isn't your first kid. Running on no sleep and bringing children into the public eye is a feat that only the strongest women can handle.
You are a superstar!
Please, lassoing a criminal is easy compared to carrying that — heavier than a whole parade of elephants — infant seat! I swear I burned a million calories heaving that car seat into the car the first time, much less subsequent times. It's good the infant seats are so sturdy, but my god: were they designed for a bodybuilder to carry them, or the average woman?
Now double — triple — bonus points if you had a C-section and have to carry that darned thing. Your core muscles are already in a tizzy, and now you've got to buck up and carry a boulder to your car, in and out.
If you're an urban mom, it's not the car seat most likely but the blasted stroller that you're moving up and down subway stairs with the grace of a drunk monkey.
Ladies: if you left the house with any number of children and come back with all limbs intact, here's a round of applause!
Master of Melodies and Distraction
As you're navigating the supermarket, doctor, DMV, or wherever you venture out for the first time, you've got to be the master of ceremonies! You better sing, hum, jiggle, bounce, and sway like a pop star in order to keep that baby happy and quiet. And if there are other children present, you need to do this while making sure no one takes your other children or your kids don't randomly pocket every item they see. You know how toddlers love to do that!
You're not just a mother: you are entertainer, baby whisperer, and miracle maker!
You're talking to yourself when you take your baby out for the first time because you figure if you keep talking to yourself, you'll stay calm. Of course, then you look potentially crazy. You're not: you're a life coach getting yourself through this pinnacle moment, and don't you for once think that Wonder Woman or Catwoman didn't do a little self-talking before kicking some bad guy's butt. They sure did.
If you've made it just one mile outside of your home with a newborn and circled your way back without any major catastrophes, you are indeed a badass mother. Congratulate yourself!