The 16 Exhausting Stages of Taking Kids Through Airport Security

How is it that the things made for the tiniest humans weigh the most?

You think it can’t be too bad since you’re all crammed into the roped-off line together. (You thought wrong.)

“Please don’t touch that!” “Don’t pull on the bags!” “Put your coat back on!” “Don’t swing on the ropes!” “Be careful!”

One of your children inevitably pulls on the ropes that you just asked them to stop touching while another one asks, “Is it our turn yet?” relentlessly.

But this somehow ends up with your kids screaming and yelling at each other, because that’s how games work when you have kids.

It's either that a very particular toy car wheel wasn't packed, you said there was no time to stop at any of the stores before going to the gate, a snack they love didn't make it into the right carry-on bag (you brought it, it's just not in the "right" place), or any other number of tiny issues that only kids can manage to turn into a full-blown state of emergency.

You apologized on behalf of your children running loops around everyone, screaming, fighting, and knocking over bags so many times — what does everyone want from you?!

Let’s go, people without children! Shoes off, laptops out, walk through the thing, repeat.

You fearfully and aggressively check all of your pockets while trying to rein in your children — one of whom has the boarding pass you were looking for waving around in his hand because you let him hold it “like a big boy.” (Rookie error.)

One hand on the boarding passes and kids’ birth certificates, another on your things, and no hands to hold the children who refuse to sit in the stroller — let's do this.

In all of the chaos, you’ve already been yelled at for not taking your own shoes and jacket off, because clearly TSA doesn’t know they’re dealing with a ticking time bomb busy mom right now.

You’re willing a second pair of eyes to grow into the back of your head — your mom used to always joke that she had them, so when are yours going to develop?

Airports are extremely high-stress even without little ones, so right about now you can’t for the life of you recall why you thought flying somewhere with your little ones was a good idea.

“Stand still” has never seemed like a funnier, more far-fetched request.

The list of what they want to know includes — but is not limited to — why you can’t go to the plane yet, why your shoes are still off, when they are going to eat, and why the toy that is packed all the way at the bottom of their carry-on isn’t in their hands.

When it hits you that while you are victorious in this brief moment, you still have an hours-long flight ahead of you — this was just 30 minutes of a weeklong vacation with your little monsters.