Sure, you might love your husband or boyfriend, or possibly care about a male person a whole lot, but let's be frank: as much as you love your main squeeze, he can't be everyone and everything all the time. If he could, you would be less stressed and better rested. And while there's nothing a mom can't do — who else can nurse/bottle-feed while pooping, writing out holiday cards, and eating lunch all at the same time? — it couldn't hurt to have a few good men around. So Santa, while you're delivering us gifts this year, could you please send these five men to our homes?
The Most Deserving Women of the Year: Mothers
When our husbands, boyfriends, or perhaps ourselves are flustered with the computer, iPad, smartphone, or some other tech item that we found under the tree, we could really use Tech Guy. Because it's a whole jolly ball of fun watching your husband scream at an inanimate object that he can't manage to figure out. Because we really enjoy when our brand-new MacBook acts up, and our only logical action is to throw it out the window because we have no clue what we are doing, and the Apple people are too busy helping other flustered men and women of the world with their tech items to help us.
Let's face it: we didn't always give Tech Geek the time of day back in our school years. OK, so we downright ignored him then (stupid, weren't we? We were too busy looking at Muscle Guy, who ended up being a total jerk anyway). But now, Santa? We need our Tech Guy, and we need him now! Make him smart, make him technologically adept, and most of all, make him push aside the Fool (the man in our lives or ahem — ourselves) trying to fix something that's way above his league. Santa, you know how men don't like to take directions. Remember that year Prancer told you to make a left, and you didn't listen?
Tech Guy, we are sorry we denied you all those years. Please, come back. We need you!
I Want Muscle
You may love your Hubby or Best Man even if he's bald and has a soft belly, but admit it: a little muscle around the house — and not just to do the handy work but also to simply look at and touch when you feel like it and on your own damn terms — would be nice. Bring us your six-packed, "pecked out," biceped, and well-equipped men to our homes. Keep him silent. We don't want to hear him say a word. It's enough that our kids prattle on and pester us. It's enough that we have an inner and outer soundtrack that consists of Frozen and that god-awful Mickey Mouse Clubhouse theme song (somebody shoot me when that show comes on, OK?). Silence is mandatory. All we need is good old-fashioned eye candy to gleam at when we're wrapping the 50th gift, screwing up the Christmas cookies, or calling Amazon in tears because one of our child's gifts exploded in the mail. Make him cheerful, handy, and, most importantly, incredibly sexy. His only goal will be to please his "mommy" however she wants.
Make it snappy, will ya, Santa?
The Older Gentleman
Before anyone starts making sugar daddy jokes — this isn't about money. The Older Gentleman I'm referring to is a man advanced in years, most likely related to you. How I wish, and how many moms probably wish, we could speak to our grandfathers or, some of us, our fathers. There's something about the wisdom of time that can't be denied. I wish, Santa, I could speak to the grandfathers I never met and ask them advice. Ask them what to do with myself, my kid, and my life because sometimes, I really just don't know what to do. One day, I feel like "Super Single Divorced Mommy," and other days, I feel like I have a sign on my back that says, "Kick Me: This Mom Sucks."
The past two years have been a whirlwind of change and emotions. I'm doing my best to navigate it but wish I had the right answers, instead of just the answers I'm working hard to find. The funny part about motherhood is we're supposed to act as if we have all the answers when the reality is, we're learning a day and, sometimes, a minute at a time. Occasionally, I find myself talking to my "Work Dad," who's around my father's age, and I enjoy the stories he tells me. I always find pearls of wisdom in his words. And then I find myself wishing my dad would open up more to me and tell me about his childhood. His life. There is so much we can learn from others and their unique journeys as parents and as people.
Santa, there's nothing like a man who has been there and done that to advise the weary and confused mommies of present-day. Bring us your silver-haired, pace-makered, and distinguished gentlemen, please. Tell them to carry some tissues. Our hearts could use some peace of mind.
Multitasking Male For Hire
Santa, sometimes a mom needs to leave the house. Or wants to go to the bathroom without a small army of little feet following her into the john. Sometimes, we might even want to, you know, do something on our own? Maybe go to the grocery store alone. We need a special kind of man, and there aren't many of him alive today as Womankind knows. We need a multitasking man: one who can finish the laundry, make dinner, keep the kids from killing themselves or the family dog, all at once.
Tall order, isn't it, Santa?
We know, but just remember who gave you the gift of life and who pushed you out into the world, Santa. It wasn't Grandfather Claus.
Bring him quick, before one of the kids sets fire to the gerbil. Again.
I see all these men on television who bake and cook. Where the heck are these culinary gods hiding, Santa? Most of the guys I have met in my short lifetime were lucky enough to boil water the right way. And for myself, I finally figured out my crockpot. I don't know how to whip up a meal that looks considerably drool-worthy. And for the moms that can cook like pros, wouldn't you love to come home and have someone else make delicious meals and lunches that come in a variety of ways — from nut-free to vegetarian delights? What mom wouldn't like to enjoy eating a meal without cleaning up after a toddler who chucked her pasta or a kid who barfed his soup? Or perhaps have a day in which she didn't have to worry about finding another creative way to cook something for a child with serious allergies? Old Saint Nick, wrap up the Chef, and have him bring extra wipes, a dish towel, and some serving trays. We need off for a few nights.
That ends our list, Old Saint Nick. We hope we've been good enough to garner at least one or two of the men on this list. And if we haven't been good enough, we promise to make up for it next year, if you'll at least advance us Muscle Guy.
The Moms of the World