If These 9 Pregnancy Jokes in Amy Schumer's New Netflix Special Are Wrong, I Don't Want to Be Right

If you know next to nothing about Amy Schumer's pregnancy, you still know that it f*cking sucks. The comedian – who has a condition called hyperemesis gravidarum – has said on more than one occasion that she's been nauseated and vomiting nearly every day with no signs of relief until the baby is due this Spring.

So, when Amy's latest Netflix special, Growing, debuted Tuesday night, there was no shortage of material pulled straight from the trenches of her pregnancy. From how it feels to be the exact same amount of "with child" as the Duchess of Sussex to the real reason she'd like to give birth to a girl versus a boy, she left no baby bump unturned.

Read on for our nine favorite pregnancy-related bits – but fair warning . . . if you're one of those women who loved being pregnant, she's coming for you.


On Conception:

"Yeah I did it. I'm amazing . . . I laid there . . . and that's it."

On Those Typical Questions All Pregnant Women Get Asked:

"Everyone's asking, 'What are you having? Do you know what you're having?' Hemorrhoids. Any other questions? What do they ask? 'What are you craving? Are you craving anything?' Cock!"

On Being Pregnant at the Same Time Meghan Markle Is Pregnant:

"I think we're, like, to the day the same amount pregnant. She's out there in six-inch heels, adorable outfits, and there's been no bump. She, like, cups where the bump will be . . . People see me, they're like, 'Oh, the last couple of weeks are the hardest, right? Are you crowning? I think I can see an ear.'"


On Why She's Even Here Right Now:

"I have not had an easy pregnancy. I have hyperemesis, which I'd never even heard of. It's extreme nausea and vomiting. If you've ever had food poisoning, it's that. I've had that every day for five months ... People are like, 'You're so strong, look at you out there! You're on the road!' I'm contractually obligated to be out here, guys. I'm not like, 'The show must go on.' I'm like, 'I will be sued by Live Nation. That's why I'm here.''"

On Moms Being Liars:

"I didn't know that being pregnant could be really hard. I didn't know that. Because you bitches all lie about it. Women don't tell you how hard it is. I should've Googled it. I should've googled being pregnant, because it's been really awful . . . I throw up an Exorcist amount every day."

On Movies Being Liars:

"In movies, they don't show you. There's just a montage where the girl's in her office and she's typing, and she's like, 'Blegh!' She runs to the bathroom, she throws up once, and then in the next scene, she's in overalls painting a barn, like, 'Yay! I can't wait to meet you!'"


On People Who Love Being Pregnant:

"If you had a good pregnancy, if you're someone who enjoyed being pregnant, I just hope your car flips over. That's what I wish for you."

On Being Pregnant During the MeToo Movement:

"I don't know what I'm having. I hope it's a girl . . . but really just because it's such a scary time for men."

On How She Refuses to Change Once She's a Mom:

"Here's the thing, you're pregnant, but you don't change who you are. I hate women who start to act like, really just like, precious. Yes, now I'm a saint and I never had sex in a bathroom on a train. We've all had sex in a bathroom on a train. You don't stop being you. You don't stop working or drinking."