7 Moms to Avoid on the First Day of School

Speaking of boobs — this mom was found just a few years ago in every public place she could think of with her boob in her kid’s mouth. No matter that he might be 3 years old, she would stop when “he was ready.”

Now she can be spotted a mile away with her graying hair and her “aging gracefully” face. She wears clothing that might as well be homemade and puts her children's snacks and lunches in organic cotton pouches.

Her children live off of greens and homemade granola bars and haven’t had a haircut since 1982. Her husband has a beard (not the hipster kind), and they speak in slow soft language with zero affect.

She is f*cking annoying and ridiculous. She eats her own placenta.

She is green.

She walks or bikes her children to school to save the environment.

It’s not the 1970s — get a bottle of Clairol Root Touch Up and some face cream for god sakes, and give that kid a burger.