Several factors, including antidepressants, life stressors, and the state of your relationship, can all have an effect on your sex drive. But if you just don't consider yourself a "horny" person, there is a way to unlock that next level in your sexuality if you so please. When speaking with sexual wellness coach Lauren Brim, she suggested how it all starts with a mindset.
"One of the things that I talk with my clients about a lot is that the biggest part about getting our sex drive to move forward is to take our foot off the brake," Brim told POPSUGAR. "There's actually a lot of science behind this: Dr. Nagoski in her book Come as You Are talks about how we often think, 'Oh, I want to amp up my sex drive, I need to put my foot on the accelerator, I need to wear sexy clothes and turn myself on, or I need to drink wine, or be willing to try new sexual positions or new sex toys,' but if our foot's on the brake, then none of that is actually going to go forward."
So, what's keeping our foot down?
Brim explained how it all starts with our belief system about sexuality. As much progress as women have made so far in terms of being accepted as equally sexual creatures as men (women watch porn, too, FYI), a double standard still very much exists. This taboo that's long associated female desire with promiscuity has conditioned us to suppress our sexuality and feel shameful when enjoying sexual things. As a result, your "low" sex drive can be remedied by tapping into your inner sensuality.
"The first thing I encourage women to do is to examine how they truly feel about sexuality," Brim said. "Do they fantasize, do they masturbate? If not, they need to start doing those things — that's the foundation of discovering themselves and their sexual body and sexual mind and spirit. The biggest way for women to make changes is just to give themselves permission to feel that sexual energy everywhere, not just in contained spaces where we say sex is OK, like in the bedroom."
"I think when women start to give themselves time to explore sex, really start to become curious, they will discover a sexuality that can't be turned off."
Now, before you write off the idea that a different attitude toward sex can change how you feel about sex, I can personally attest to this notion. When I used to take pole-dancing classes at Sheila Kelley S Factor, I witnessed a transformation among the women around me. The studio's philosophy was based on embracing your "erotic creature," or sensuality, and taught through methods of pole dancing and striptease. There are no mirrors, just a flattering red light, poles, and blaring music to get lost into. Over the months, I noticed my classmates of all shapes and sizes sharing how they've become more confident inside the studio and out, how they've begun to notice more attitude in their walk, and how sexy they feel at all times. And when you feel sexy, it translates to the bedroom and beyond. You become fearless and unapologetic for your desires.
"I think when women start to give themselves time to explore sex, really start to become curious, they will discover a sexuality that can't be turned off," Brim said. "Yeah, maybe it'll be slowed down by a stressful period, but they will be sexual beings that are really insatiable."
On the same page of making a shift in your mindset, Brim also suggests being open to exploring all different types of orgasms. Instead of vaginal or clitoral stimulation, try anal and/or nipple play (orgasms are achievable from both, by the way!); instead of trying to hit your G-spot, look for your A-spot, experiment with blended orgasms, etc.
And also, remember to stay on top of your self-care practices! "Even the basics of sleep and making sure we're hydrated and not overly stressed [can have an effect]," Brim said. "We don't get turned on immediately when we're in a heightened state of stress."
So to kick your sex drive into high gear, take care of yourself and, most importantly, "give yourself permission to be the deeply erotic creature that you are."