Have you ever wondered the things female escorts see and learn about from their job? Ossiana Tepfenhart and our friends at YourTango have interviewed an escort and illustrated their findings in a compelling piece about how men think and act.
And they would know...
If you have been reading my writing regularly, you probably have noticed how often money comes up as a subject of discussion when I talk about relationships. I've talked about the economics of dating, how money affects who we date, as well as how men's spending habits reveal your importance to them. To a point, I'd go so far as to say that I have a deep interest in seeing how money affects us and who we end up committing to.
Obviously, in a normal relationship, money will be an issue. It's an issue, regardless of whether you have too much money or too little money.
If you have too little money, problems really get ugly. Most arguments in marriage are caused by money problems and financial woes are a leading cause of divorce. Guys who don't have much money are also more likely to accuse dates of gold-digging, too.
On the other hand, too much money leads to other issues. I've also seen many well-off men who believe that the lifestyle they offer their dates entitles them to treat women like property. I've seen men marry women as "trophy wives," only to turn around and say how much they hate the girl's personality. I've seen them cheat on trophy wives because they "did their job" as a provider/husband.
In these cases, money often is what keeps commitment there, but there's always that pretense of love.
But what about the kinds of relationships that literally have men paying women off for temporary companionship, such as the relationship between escorts and their clients? In those cases, there's no illusion of love and there's no unwritten social contract to follow, really. Escorts are paid to keep things confidential, to sleep with men, and also to provide companionship.
Because there's no pretense of dating or love involved, I had a feeling that escorts probably saw a side of men that most women never see. I also had a feeling that they probably knew men better than most others do. So, I decided to interview a girl we'll call Luna* about her times as an escort and what prostitutes think about their male clients. Here's what she revealed about men, dating, and sex.
Q: Tell us what most men want when they dial up an escort.
A: Guys who buy escorts are looking for a fantasy, plain and simple. Yes, some look for sex, but others just want the companionship of a girl who, in all honesty, probably wouldn't give him the time of day without money.
Q: Explain the term "fantasy."
A: Most of the men I serviced were married or in committed relationships. They ran the gamut from the nerdy office guy to the high-powered lawyer, to the frumpy husband who has three kids. Even if they are rich, they aren't relaxed, per se. They have dirty diapers to change, they have a nagging wife at home, they have work stress... a million things.
Men, from what I've seen, often want to escape that. They want to have a moment with a gorgeous woman who sits there and acts like they're the center of the universe, even if it's only for an hour. They want to feel attractive — and most of them don't.
The illusion of control is another thing they like about escorts. They get to control the fantasy. They decide what you two do. They know you'll act interested in him. They know you'll be willing to do things he wants you to do. They often don't feel in control that way and that makes the fantasy better, for some.
Q: What did you wear as an escort?
A: Not what most women would expect. I dressed in office attire, or slightly revealing attire. I kept things upscale, so I often just looked like any other girl attending a cocktail party. Guys weren't very turned on by fishnets or other crazy stuff. They really wanted the girl next door.
I think it's because seeing a tatted-up girl who's obviously been with a lot of men intimidates them. Men get very insecure if they're with girls who have had more sex than them. If you dress conservatively, guys at least get the illusion that you're "innocent and pure," know what I mean?
Q: You said that these guys were often in relationships. Did you ever really get any insight into why they cheated?
A: Absolutely. Some guys, well, they're entitled pricks. There's no other way to say it. These guys wouldn't ever be loyal, even if they were engaged to a supermodel. They want more, more, and more. They think they deserve more because they have more money or whatever, and they go for it. They don't care about their wives, only themselves. Others feel like they do all this stuff for everyone else, so seeing an escort is their own little treat. I tend to lump them in with the first category.
Then, some of the men were just... sad. A lot of men end up getting ignored or taken for granted by their wives. Sometimes, their wives just let themselves go and they lose attraction. Other times, the wives basically stopped having sex or even touching them after they got married. I feel bad for them; you can often see the sadness in their eyes. Hell, sometimes, they even hold me and cry afterward because they just wished they could get that from the woman they have at home.
Q: That's terrible.
A: Yes, it is. It messes with men, especially when it comes to their insecurities.
Q: Let's talk insecurities. What did you notice about men's insecurities that most women wouldn't know?
A: I think this may be a bit of a bad question. You don't really go to escorts if you're totally confident in yourself. Most guys who visit escorts do so because escorts can provide a sense of validation for them. I think guys don't really ever feel validated or satisfied with who they are.
Obviously, most men out there end up wanting to hear they're great in bed. They want to have a girl give him "gooey eyes" and make him feel like he's the coolest guy to ever step out onto the street. Some just want to feel lovable and desirable, you know? Others? Well, all they want to hear is about how successful they are. Single guys who see me tend to be way more insecure and depressed than married men.
Q: Sounds like you do a lot more talking than most girls would assume!
A: Absolutely, 100 percent. You see, one thing women don't understand is how often guys just want to unload on an emotional level. The problem is that they get worried about girls judging them. They get worried about asking girls to compliment them, or being seen as "too weak," and that ends up keeping their guards up.
Most men crave a girl who doesn't judge them, but they never see that in real life. Every time they hear a girl poke fun at a guy for not having a big enough dick, not having a nice enough body, or not doing something, they get a little bit more defensive. The thing is, you can't bottle all of yourself out like that and stay healthy. You need an outlet. For some guys, just chatting with me and hanging out with me is the outlet they need. I mean, it's not like an escort will judge you.
Q: Sex-wise, was the stuff they asked to do really crazy, or...?
A: Nope. Most really just want blowjobs and regular vanilla sex. You'd be surprised at how many men hire escorts because they aren't getting that at home. Most men aren't really that kinky, even with escorts. Then again, most men who are into that stuff tend to go for pro-dommes instead.
Q: Would you say most of the guys you worked for had happy marriages?
A: That's tough. It depends. Obviously, some just wanted a little fun on the side. I doubt that the wife is too happy about that if she knows. But those guys seem to be overall satisfied with their lives. Others just weren't getting thrills from their ladies, so they came to me instead. Those guys seemed alright. They don't want to leave their wives because they're comfortable in their happy-ish marriages.
The ones who were really unhappy? They were the ones who had dead marriages — no affection, no sex, no touching, no kind words... I can't blame them.
Q: How did escorting change your view on guys?
A: I feel disappointed in them. I feel sorry that they can't seem to get validation any other way. But at the same time, I feel kinda distrustful of them. There were so many married guys! How can I expect men to be loyal after seeing all that?
Men also baffle me a bit more than they used to. I can't understand why more men can't be honest with their wives about their needs and feelings. If they did that, chances are that a lot of escorts would be out of business.
Q: What about single guys?
A: A lot of the single guys I met with were inexperienced. They were nervous about the dating scene, nervous about sex. They often just needed a confidence boost. A lot of them were one-offs, which means that I broke their virginities, and after that, they had enough confidence to go out and date like a normal guy. Most single guys who meet escorts are very depressed, though.
Q: Do you have any advice for men?
A: We have a saying in the sex industry. If men treated their wives like their hookers, you'd have the world's strongest marriage. Seriously. A lot Johns gave me gifts, took me shopping, would try to woo me, would converse with me... the works. Only a small handful of men were disrespectful or rude.
Most clients I had treated me better than my ex-boyfriends did. From what I've seen, my clients also treated me better than the woman they married. I felt bad for their wives. Really bad. That's actually why I ended up hanging up my heels, so to speak.
I really wish more men would actually try to talk to their wives about things. Or, better yet, date girls who accept them for who they really are, rather than the people they feel they're "supposed" to date. I honestly think that's a big issue in today's society. I can't name how many men have offered to run away with me or leave their wives for me.
From what they've told me and from what prostitutes think about their male clients, many of my Johns married women because they felt they were "supposed to." But then, the girl judges him, nags him, and doesn't really accept him. It's awful, and it's a foolish mistake. I mean, who really wants to be married to someone who judges them that much?
Q: Do you have any advice for women?
A: YES! Big time. First off, if you're in a relationship, do not take your man for granted. Put in the work to keep things thrilling and sexy. Don't let yourself go. Otherwise, he will want to find thrills elsewhere or he'll just up and leave.
Next, if I were you, I would really try to press your man to be upfront and direct about his wants, his feelings, and everything else. Don't judge what he says, just accept it. Guys often don't have someone who will listen to them that way.
Third, you need to understand that monogamy isn't for everyone but that double standards are for no one. If he's cheating on you and expects you to be loyal, you need to leave. It's not fair to you to deal with this. Open up the relationship if you can, but for all that is holy, stop putting up with this stuff. I've seen what being cheated on repeatedly does to women, you don't want that.
Another thing I want to say is that I'm not 100 percent sure marriage is really a good deal for girls, unless he's really rich. If he's not providing you with a very luxurious lifestyle, and if he just ignores you while you do all the work to keep the two of you floating on together, what are you really doing with your life? Are you just with him to say you're married? You probably would get treated better if you were being constantly courted by a number of guys and you'd probably have less work if you were single.
Oh, and lastly, I really wish you knew how insecure many men really are. You can never give your man enough pep talks, compliments, and admiring looks. Do that, and he'll become putty in your hands.
Even though this isn't a dating tip, I think it's worth saying. Ladies, we really need to stop slut-shaming one another. Sex is a natural activity, and we all do it. We aren't threats to one another. Stupid social rules you've been indoctrinated with makes you think we are, though. A little bit of sisterhood would go a long way, girls. Just saying.
Check out more great stories from YourTango:
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