13 Things That Happen When You Send Taylor Swift Lyrics to Your Tinder Matches
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Tinder is a battlefield.
Swipe left or swipe right, and within seconds you can find yourself connected to your crush of the week, or a "nightmare dressed like a daydream."
Or worse. A ghost, aka matches that never message you first. It's a Tinder epidemic, since guys do essentially swipe right "at everything," it could take hours, days, months for Mike, 27 to shoot you a "hey" or "sup," (tragic, I know).
As a hopeless romantic, I decided to make the first move, with a little help from fellow hopeless romantic, Taylor Swift. By making the first move, I mean only quoting lyrics from her 1989 album. Every single track, one match at a time.
The idea came to me one night as I was swiping while listening to "Blank Space." Suddenly it all made sense. "Oh my God, look at that face, you look like my next mistake." Isn't that essentially what goes through your head when you match with someone?
My therapist has been urging me to be more honest when it comes to dating. So what better way to "be me," than to be Taylor Swift? After all, I really relate to her.
And before you call me a "tease" or a "terrible person," realize this: People constantly lie on Tinder. And if you can't beat them, join them. These lyrics aren't lies, rather a filter. If a guy can take a joke, or better yet recognize the lyrics, then he's less likely to be a serial killer.
So, without further ado, in order of the album's tracks, here's what happens when you only send the lyrics to Taylor Swift's 1989 to your Tinder matches, one match at a time. Reactions range from fear and excitement to thinking that I have a drinking problem.
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"Welcome to New York": You learn you are not qualified to be on an imaginary talk show.
Judging by his limited photos and bio, Jake* 28’s show would involve selfies and celebrating his half Irish and half Italian descent.
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"Blank Space": You're coming off a little offensive . . .
This started off great! Then . . .
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Apparently "new money" is not a compliment. To be fair, he was wearing a suit and tie in his default. Also "grab your passport," may have sounded a little racist, as he had an ethnic-sounding name.
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But he finally caught on!
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"Style": You're coming on too strong.
Too bad Felix*, 32 stopped talking to me. I didn’t even get a chance to tell him he had that "James Dean, daydream look" in his eyes. :(
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"Out of the Woods": Do you have a drinking problem?
If you suffer from insomnia, do not Tinder Taylor Swift lyrics at 3 a.m. Also Josh* is apparently really connected in the music biz!
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"All You Had to Do Was Stay": He can handle me at my worst!
I think Bill*, 28 is under the impression that comedians like heckling? Unclear. Whatever I’m just gonna . . .
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"Shake It Off": That's what people say!
When in doubt, emojis.
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"I Wish You Would": Goodbye my almost lover.
Sometimes opportunities are just missed. Guess we will never know what could’ve been, Drew*, 31.
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"Bad Blood": You are scaring me . . .
Out of context, Bad Blood sounds like a song about domestic violence. Also Alex, 29 clearly does not listen to Taylor Swift.
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"Wildest Dreams": Will not commute for a Tinder date.
My dreams were just too wild for Omar*, 31. I guess most guys on Tinder keep their location settings tight for a reason.
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"How to Get the Girl": He's just playing hard to get . . .
Taylor was right; "Guys only want love if it's torture." Maybe I didn't torture James*, 28 enough by saying I wanted him for worse or better aka a line from most wedding vows.
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"This Love": You will meet a masochist.
At this point I’m realizing this entire album is starting to sound the same . . .
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"I Know Places": You will find true love . . . 12 tracks later.
He likes me for me!
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"Clean": You get a rude awakening that this is Tinder, and boys will be boys!
Challenge complete. I successfully I went through the entire 1989 album one match at a time. And what did I learn?
That I am still very much alone and should probably deactivate my Tinder account.
*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of my matches.