Kristen Bell's Hilarious Tweets Will Make You Roll on the Floor Laughing

Kristen Bell has made us laugh in Veronica Mars and Frozen, but she's also hilarious offscreen. In addition to being an actress, loving wife to Dax Shepard, and mom to her daughter Lincoln (and a baby on the way), she's basically a stand-up comedian on Twitter. In celebration of Kristen's 34th birthday today, July 18, check out the funniest tweets from her firecracker account!

are we bringing back jelly sandals this summer or what?

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) May 17, 2013

We've been asking the same question since like, 1999. Start the revolution!

We have rocket ships. Can we not make a pair of 3d glasses lighter than 6lbs? So my nose isn't beyond repair after this monkey movie?!

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) July 16, 2014

Rise of the 3-D glasses.

watermelon is the only thing worth eating.

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) August 13, 2012

Are you sure, Kristen? Are you absolutely sure?

My kid found a jar of chocolate covered almonds & scattered them across the floor. I did the only logical thing & cleaned* them up. *ate.

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) July 2, 2014

We'd also do this with Nutella.

It honestly doesn't matter how long something has been sitting out. Ill eat it.

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) December 24, 2012

We're pretty sure Kristen Bell is our spirit guide.

Thoughts on combining these two? #VeronicaMarsMovie pic.twitter.com/pMVQPnX3F0

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) March 14, 2014

Yes, please.

Either listen 2 the radio or dont-But I beg u not to just 'have it on' at a superlow volume unless ur intent is 2 make me feel schizophrenic

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) January 9, 2013

We've been there. But then again, maybe we're actually schizophrenic. No, we're not. Oh.

The only thing that would make saying "pap smear" grosser is if it was "pap schmear."

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) May 13, 2014

Be right back, shuddering.

The water pressure at Native Foods in culver city is absolutely out of control. I just washed my hands and it looks like I showered.

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) October 31, 2012

We're pretty sure Kristen actually showered, and she's embarrassed to admit it.

well, it happened and just in time for the end of the world...I've finally gained weight in my hands.

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) December 20, 2012

The horror!

I wanna make "ya dig?" my new catchphrase! Cool, right? ... Guys? ... Hello?

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) May 26, 2014

Change approved!

I saved like 50 bucks with my Bed Bath and Beyond coupons today. Don't make a big deal out of it, guys.

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) January 6, 2013

Hey everyone. Kristen Bell gets great deals on home goods. Spread the word.

Don't worry 'bout me, guys. Just driving down hollywood blvd BLASTING ace of base.

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) March 6, 2013

Wait. We want in.

Funky werewolf weather today.

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) March 18, 2013

Listen, we'd take funky werewolf weather over vicious werewolf weather any day.

When you see me on the red carpet of the oscars tonight, just know…there's a burrito in my clutch. pic.twitter.com/WwXQtMq10A

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) March 2, 2014

She and Jennifer Lawrence should be best friends.

remember when Tom Cruise was the only one who didnt use an accent in Valkyrie?

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) April 20, 2013

Get used to it, Kristen. Tom Cruise does what he wants.

Last nites dream: Jon Snow & I running 4 r lives. The only thing 2 save us is a dance off. Those who failed the dance off were slaughtered.

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) June 20, 2013

Kristen has some pretty weird dreams. Side note: Is Jon Snow a good dancer?

FTW: My dog isn't wearing any clothes today. Bitch is just sitting in my living room, #NudeAsALooseBoob

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) February 24, 2014

Dogs: can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

last night in my dream Oprah asked me why we arent best friends. I didnt have an answer for her.

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) May 16, 2013

Someone tell Oprah.

Ive now called 7 places in la looking 4 caramel apples w/no success. What in gods name is going on? Did someone cancel Fall & not tell me?

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) October 19, 2012

Sounds like Kristen Bell had the worst Fall ever.

I am 99% sure my dog can read lips.

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) July 8, 2013

That's how he knows when you ask, "Want a treat?"

things would be so much better if the whole world smelled like a pier 1.

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) October 6, 2012

We can't decide if a Pier 1-scented bouquet would be refreshing or terrifying.

my first mix tape had a LOT of bette midler on it. #noregrets

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) August 29, 2012

Can we get a copy?

If Mariahs 'all I want for christmas' is on and you are NOT pumped up...check your pulse.

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) December 2, 2012

Kristen has a fair point. Also, thanks for getting this song stuck in our head.

Source: Getty / Bryan Bedder