The day has arrived — your little baby is now 5 years old and is about to embark on the journey that is kindergarten. Are you ready? How hard can it be, right? Grab some school supplies, pick up a couple of new outfits, find out which class they're in — you're good to go. Wrong. You're not good to go.
This isn't the bike-to-school-unsupervised-and-take-a-midday-nap kindergarten of your childhood. It's 2017 folks, and like all other parenting endeavors these days, kindergarten prep will leave you feeling inadequate and confused. Don't worry, we've got some tips. Here's how to prepare for your child's first day of kindergarten.
1. School Supplies
You bought some crayons? That's cute. Congratulations on being a neglectful parent. You see, school supply lists these days are a page long. You will spend no less than $40, and that's if you're a bargain shopper. There will be a list posted on the school's website that is labeled "Kindergarten School Supply List." Oh, this is great, you'll think, I can get these two weeks ahead of time and be superprepared. Wrong again. You will buy everything on the list, and then your child's teacher will give you a different, more specific list, two days before school starts. Well get moving Mom, that Early Learning Child's Composition Book (with creative story formatting!) isn't going to buy itself.
Your child wants to ride the bus. That's great! A rite of passage dating back for generations. So it's simply a matter of finding your neighborhood bus stop and the bus number. Perfect. Except you forgot about the bus color route. Yes, each bus has a number and a color route. Oh, but you've memorized the bus number? No one cares. The kindergarten teacher will ask you for your child's COLOR ROUTE. You don't have it. Do you even love your child? Without the color route info, you might as well give your child a couple bucks and few hitch-hiking tips.
There are two choices: your child can bring her lunch, or she can purchase lunch at school. Simple enough, right? NO, NOT SIMPLE. Are you familiar with the complicated plot points on Game of Thrones? Yeah, that's school lunch. If they buy their lunch, you will need to sign up for the online meal pay system. No, it's not on the school's website. No it's not on the school district's website. It's a separate website. But not the menu; the menu is on the district website . . . or maybe the school website? Also there are apps. Download all the apps! And a texting service: sign up for this so it can tell you when your kid's lunch money is low, and then bombard you daily with useless information until you die.
Once you've got that all figured out, you'll realize your child will hardly eat anything on the school menu. Time to buy a lunch box. Oh, and a water bottle, and a cooler pack, and one of those special boxes that keep her sandwiches from getting smashed. Finally, don't forget to include a cute and creative note in her lunch box every single day, unless you want us to call CPS.
4. First Day Photos
Alright, she's got her cute first day outfit on, you've got a few minutes to spare — time to take a few photos. First you'll need a letter board spelling out "TrendyChildName's First Day of Kindergarten!" Letter boards are those vintage-inspired, black felt boards with white plastic letters that you've seen on that annoying girl's Instagram you secretly follow, and they'll only cost you a cool $100. What were you going to do, have her hold a chalkboard like it's 2015? Or what, pose for the photo holding nothing? Just standing there wearing her backpack?! Hahahahahahahhaha. You're lucky we're here to guide you.
Well kindergarten mom, we've covered the basics for you. Good luck out there, and be sure to savor the moment when you drive her to school on her first day. Priceless memories. Oops, you're in the wrong drop-off lane.