Judgment Over Having Too Few Kids
Is It Now Normal to Be Mom-Shamed For Having "Too Few" Kids?
Recently, a friend of mine attended a local charity event with almost 200 women, most of whom were also young mothers. Many of the women she knew through schools, gyms, and various kid activities, but there were also a lot of new faces, one in particular that she'll never forget. Why? Because this particular "lady" mom-shamed my friend for the weirdest reason I've ever heard.
"She asked how many kids I have, and when I told her two, she gave me this look like that was a totally unacceptable number. Then she said, 'Oh, I have four,' and almost immediately found an excuse to walk away."
WTF? Did my friend seriously get mom-shamed for only having two kids?
As a fellow, quite-contented mom of two, I had to laugh, but I also was more than a bit bothered. After all, we both live in a small suburb of Chicago that was once perfectly described to me as like "living in a snow globe." And that globe is chock-full of families with three, four, and five kids. Hell, one of my gym buddies recently had her sixth, and I swear she is totally sane (not to mention kicked my butt in HIIT class yesterday).
My recently shamed friend and I have discussed numerous times how we are totally in the local minority as moms of two, but we never thought that either of us would ever be made to feel that we were less than for making the decision to keep our families small enough to fit into a normal-size vehicle. Apparently, we were wrong.
Imagine if either of us were only a mom to one child? Would we even be considered mothers at all?
We never thought that either of us would ever be made to feel that we were less than for making the decision to keep our families small enough to fit into a normal-size vehicle.
And, yes, I'm sure moms of more children do have it tougher in many regards. There are the additional mouths to feed and messes to clean and schedules to coordinate. I can barely get two children through bath and bedtime without losing my mind. I can't imagine how I could take on any more.
But the truth is, no matter how many children a woman has, she's dealing with the same stresses and mental overload and parenting insecurities as any other mom. And we should all be celebrated for surviving it as gracefully as possible, no matter how many branches we've added to our family tree. Moreover, no one should judge another woman's decision about her own family planning without knowing the background that helped her come to that choice.
In my case, "only" having two kids was a definitive decision for my husband and me. We both only have one sibling and were quite happy with that arrangement throughout our own child and adulthoods. But I have other mom friends of two who are desperate for more children, yet because of health and fertility concerns, they aren't able to add to their families. How would that stranger's comment have made one of those women feel?
If I would have been there to witness my friend's experience, I'd like to think I would have spoken up and shut down this woman's bizarre comment. More likely, I would have made a self-deprecating comment about how any more children would have sent me to the loony bin or rehab. Maybe that's true, but probably it's not. But I shouldn't be shamed for not wanting to find out.
