"I'm writing this to you out of love, not fear," starts Meghan Maza Oeser in a letter to her husband that outlines instructions for watching their kids while she's away. "I wanted to go over a few things with you before you embark on this weekend alone . . . with the others." In the letter, Oeser details everything from meal preferences to which sippy cup is acceptable for bedtime, and the way she describes her children's antics will make you fall off your chair laughing.
"Upon arriving home after work, things won't seem so bad. The others will hug, jump, and for the most part, be pretty excited to see you. This will be short lived . . . I promise." Oeser continues by disguising horror stories as directives that will help her husband "survive" the weekend:
Dinner will suck. Bailey will want pizza, while Harper will ask for hot dogs. Quinn will cry when you say the word hot dog, and will insist on mac n cheese (not the orange kind or the white kind, but the purple kind). We'll be fresh out of the purple kind, so she'll ask for toast. You'll already have started making mac n cheese for Penny, but since she heard Quinn ask for toast, she'll also want that toast.
You'll want to sit down and relax after dinner, but I'm warning you against this. It will get quiet...REAL quiet. This is when you'll realize that the threenager has fallen asleep somewhere. Do NOT let the threenager fall asleep. You're basically f*cked if this happens.
Pajamas. F*CK pajamas. Don't even ATTEMPT anything but a nightgown for Penny. And if you cannot find a nightgown for Penny, keep f*cking looking. She'll ask for her Minnie Mouse nightgown, but once you put it on, she'll scream in agony because the sleeves are CLEARLY ripping her f*cking arms off. Just find her Elsa one. Chances are, it's dirty as sh*t, but so what . . .
Quinn, Harper, and Bailey will go down seamlessly. Just wait. As they lie in their beds, they'll then realize that their tiny mouths are on God damned fire . . . They will come down one by one every god damned five minutes for water. Don't let ANYONE use Quinn's pink Elsa cup. If she sees this, she will lose her holy sh*t.
Breakfast. . . . Penny might want cereal, or she'll go for toast. Whatever you do LET HER PICK HER SPOON. Chances are, Quinn will have the ULTIMATE spoon, and Penny will convince you that you've left her with the sh*ttiest spoon in the bunch. Sometimes I'll give her a fork, and then flip her off.
Oeser ends her hilarious note with a few more good lucks, a subtle jab at him, and a simple, yet incredible, "Kisses." Read the whole incredible thing above.