The 10 Moms You Meet in the 'Burbs

No matter where you see her — school dropoff, parent-teacher conferences, Sunday mass — she's always dressed as if she's coming from or going to a workout. Oddly, though, you have never once seen her at the gym.

She's always armed with a bottle (or three) of Chardonnay at playdates, and when she goes for her afternoon walk, that might not be herbal tea in her thermos. Resist the urge to judge her — when you need a drink most, her house is way closer than the nearest bar.

Because one grocery store isn't enough, this mom spends her entire day bopping around town, picking up produce at Whole Foods, snacks at Trader Joe's, economy-size essentials at Costco, bread at the bakery, organics at the farmers market, and meat at the butcher shop. And somehow, she manages to still need to make the same stops the next day.

Whether it's for the public schools or the cost of living, this mom was forced out of the big city — kicking and screaming, she'll tell you — in the ultimate sacrifice for her family. If you engage in conversation with her, prepare for every response to begin with, "Well, when I lived in . . ." and don't be surprised if she complains about the "food scene," the cost of a manicure, and the shocking lack of cabs.

This mom never met a Pinterest project she didn't like. A modern-day Stepford wife, her makeup is always done and her hair is always perfectly coiffed, even after a morning of rigorous backyard beekeeping so that she can make wax candles in upcycled mason jars for that night's neighborhood block party. If you need help folding a fitted sheet or alphabetizing your spice rack, she's your lady, but don't ever think about topping her prize-winning soufflé at the school's annual bake sale.

The good news: whenever you need some intel on a new neighbor, you can trust her to do the dirty work and pass along her findings. The bad news: remember when you were the new neighbor? Yeah, she knows things.

Why this woman always volunteers to drive the neighborhood kids to soccer practice is beyond your ability to reason, but it's best you don't question it. Or judge the size of her minivan . . . or the endless "My child is a George Washington Elementary Honor Student" bumper stickers on the back of it.

Between the nanny, the twice-weekly math tutor, the so-frequent-you-wonder-if-she-lives-there house cleaner, the personal trainer, the nutritionist-turned-chef, and the gardener, you wonder what this mom actually does all day. But, then, managing so many employees can mean a lot of paperwork. Maybe she needs to hire a personal assistant . . .

All the kids want to play at her house. And why shouldn't they? She's the one who lets them scarf down Doritos and Dr. Pepper by the gallon. She's got an in-ground pool, a renovated basement with a big-screen TV, and all the just-released video games — and she even serves ice cream for breakfast postsleepover.

For anyone who thinks life in the suburbs is boring, they haven't met this mom, who treats every day as if it's the first day of sleepaway camp — so many arts-and-craft projects, so little time. If you ever feel uninspired, she can rattle off a dozen ways to keep your entire family engaged.