Every year you tell yourself, "This will be my year!" You start the year with big, grandiose plans, like that you're going to volunteer each day, become Mother of the Year, rock a body that your friends will hate you for, and save a million dollars. Then Jan. 2 comes and suddenly you're screaming at your kids, eating ice cream straight from the tub on the couch, and confirming the decision to wear yoga pants 24/7.
The reality is that you're going to be the same perfectly imperfect mom you were in 2016, and that's damn good enough. Instead of making yourself crazy with unrealistic expectations, here are some real New Year's Resolutions you can make and feel good about.
Put the other "lofty" resolutions in the trash where they belong.
- Finally master DIY crafts and make your friends envious of your crafting skills. Each holiday season your friends bust out teacher gifts that look like they were professionally made and they all do so smiling and not once complaining that they're too busy — you want to stomp on a butterfly, you're so pissed. This year, master those DIY crafts and make your friends feel like inferior crafters! Darn your kids' clothing, and in fact, start your own clothing line!
The real resolution: to get your kids to craft for you! Make them earn their keep.
- Make it to the bus stop on time. Are you late to the bus about nine times out of 10? Does the bus driver roll his or her eyes when seeing your brood bringing up the rear? Are you tired of seeing that smug and annoyed look? Resolve to get to the bus stop on time each day and show that bus driver what you're made of!
The real resolution: go to the bus stop alone and let him or her take you to school. It's the only way anyone in your family will be on time to the stop. I guess the kids can just walk like we did back in the day.
- Figure out how to make your kids listen. No one likes it when mommy gets mad and turns red, cries, or yells. You tried the damn elf. The Santa threats. You tried every sort of parental discipline method known to mankind, yet still, you get to that melting point in which you had gotten dogs instead of kids. You want to resolve to get those darn kids in line! It sounds so appealing but . . .
The real resolution: to surrender and accept true defeat. When your kids don't listen say, "Oh well, mom's retiring." Of course that means, mom doesn't make dinner, read stories, and do laundry. Do this for a while until kids realize if they want mom back on the books, they'll have to get in line. Or, offer to send them to a sweatshop for a few days . . . Eek!
- Eat healthier. You and your partner are going fresh! Everything is going to be Non-GMO, organic, straight-from-the-farm fresh! You won't eat one processed serving and your kids are going to drink shakes with kale and love it! Of course, after two days of your kids giving you and your kale shakes the big F-U, you'll be back to mac and cheese and stuffing your face on the kids' seconds.
The real resolution: resolve to try to eat healthier . . . sometimes. Like when your kids are sleeping, you're at work, or pigs fly.
- Make your MIL your BFF. You've decided that this year, you're going to be your MIL's favorite daughter-in-law. She's going to love you. You're going to ignore all her subtle condescending comments and swallow them down quietly. You're going to invite her to do things with you and when she insults what you wear, you're going to passively nod in pseudo agreement.
The real resolution: drink more when you see your MIL, staple your mouth shut, or become a nun.