What to Expect When Taking a Sick Child to the Pediatrician

Step One: Get No More Than Two Hours Sleep

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Sleep as little as possible the night before. Change soiled sheets. Administer Tylenol. Rub an upset tummy. Put on cartoons at 3 a.m. Don't worry: it's not like tomorrow is going to be a long day or anything.

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Step Two: Call Pediatrician as Soon as the Office Opens

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The office opens at 8:30 a.m. Call at 8:30:01 a.m. Proceed to wait on hold for 30 minutes and get the first available appointment. At 1:45 p.m. Smack dab in the middle of nap time.

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Step Three: Gently Inform Your Tot That He Will Be Going to the Doctor

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Watch the panic in his eyes. Inform him that no, you are not 100 percent sure there will not be shots involved.

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Step Four: Pack Provisions

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Prepare for a long day. Pack snacks. Lots and lots of snacks.

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Step Five: Arrive at the Doctor's Office and Wait in the Waiting Room

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And wait. And wait. Wonder what everyone else's kid is in for and try not to touch anything. Realize your head is resting on your hand. Break out the Purell and bathe everyone in it.

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Step Six: Try Not to Act Grossed Out When the 3-Year-Old Next to You Sneezes

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Does not cover her mouth. Instead wipes her snot-covered nose and then proceeds to touch everything in the waiting room (including your sleeve, twice).

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Step Seven: Move to the Exam Room . . . and Wait Some More

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And wait. And wait. Watch as your child goes between being concerned about the possibility of getting a shot and terribly bored and destructive with the medical supplies. Pull out your iPad. Hand it to said child. Wonder if the doctor has forgotten about you.

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Step Eight: Beg the Doctor to Make It Stop

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Once the doctor finally arrives (and after he says something "funny" about the fact that you've gotten no sleep), ask for the magic bullet to make your child sleep again. Learn your child is indeed sick (thanks, doc), will not need a shot, but will need a finger prick. You know, just in case.

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Step Nine: Wait For the Nurse to Do the Deed

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Comfort your poor child, who is freaking out because a finger prick is decidedly worse than a shot. Look at your watch and realize you have been there for a total of two hours. Wonder if the nurse has forgotten about you.

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Step 10: Hold Your Child Down While the Nurse Pricks His Finger

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Feel your heart rate rise as your tot enters into full-on meltdown mode and start offering your child anything he wants in order to make the screaming stop.

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Step 11: Learn It's a Virus

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Hear the dreaded words: it's a virus. Doc tells you lots of TLC is the only thing that will make your kiddo feel better. Be happy it's not Ebola but sad there are no medicinal quick fixes. Cry silently to yourself.

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Step 12: Drive Directly to Target

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Empty your wallet on toys, gum, hand sanitizer, Gatorade, and Children's Tylenol. Grab a Starbucks on the way out; you deserve it, mama.

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