30 Thoughts That Went Through My Head During My Mammogram Today

Turning 40 hasn't been nearly as painful as I expected. In fact, it's been pleasantly fun. There's a certain degree of respect that came with the turning of the calendar that I've come to enjoy. But there are also some harsh realities that sneak up on you when you turn that milestone age. I'm looking at you annual mammograms — aka squeezing the life out of what's left of my postbaby boobs.

If you have older friends or a mother you have an open relationship with, you've heard stories about the smooshing, pinching, and squeezing needed to get a healthy photo of your breasts. So it's understandable if you've put off making the appointment for your annual screening. I'll admit to waiting a few months longer than I should have to schedule my own. But after five friends were diagnosed or had scares in a four-month period (another harsh reality of turning 40), I knew I had to make the call.

So off I went to my hospital's outpatient radiology department, armed with my referral, some magazines, and stomach full of butterflies. An hour and 15 minutes later, I exited a bit lighter on my feet — but not before going through a roller coaster of emotions. Here all of the thoughts that went through my head over the course of my mammogram and ultrasound this morning.

1. Of all days, why is today the day the kids are running late for school? I have somewhere to be. Even if I don't want to go. But I have to go. So please, kids, speed it up!
2. Ugh, now I'm rushing. And sweating. And I was told not to put on deodorant, antiperspirant, or powder before the exam. I'm a sweaty mess. I really hope no parent stops me at school.
3. It figures today is the day all of the moms are gathering to chat after drop off. I'm sweaty and nervous, and but very willing to procrastinate.
4. OK, you've got this. It's easy enough. Just go in and get it over with.
5. Why am I the youngest one in the room? Did my doctor get the age wrong? Maybe I can wait another year?
6. Did I remember to give the kids their water bottles this morning? I must have, right? If I forgot, they can use the water fountain. That's what it's there for. Now focus on the task at hand.
7. Why did they tell me to get here at 8:15 for my 8:30 appointment if they were going to be done with my paperwork at 8:20? Don't they know what a rush this was?
8. OK, my turn. It's going to be fine. Every woman goes through this and survives the experience. Just relax and think healthy thoughts.
9. Good thing I thought to wear pants today and not a dress. All of the gowns are super short!
10. Speaking of short, the boys' pants are looking more like waders than pants these days. I need to take them shopping for Fall clothes.
11. I haven't seen women this casual about their boobs hanging out since my hospital breastfeeding class.
12. What did she just put on my nipples? I didn't realize we'd be crafting with stickers today. And what's up with the metal ball on the end? We're not at a strip club.
13. She wants me to contort my body how? Is she kidding? I didn't sign up for yoga class.
14. Now she's telling me to relax? How? There's a machine about to smoosh my boobs and I'm juggling work and PTA meetings and middle school tours and planning a seventh birthday party and parent teacher conferences. I'm as tightly wound as they come!
15. Holy mother of God. Who invented this machine? It must have been a man, because no woman would create something that hurts her fellow womankind so much.
16. Think happy thoughts. Think about what you're making for dinner tonight. Maybe we'll try that chicken dish one of the moms was raving about. Who am I kidding, kid number two won't touch it if it doesn't look like chicken nuggets.
17. Did the technician just tell me to breathe? Is she kidding me? Who can think of breathing when your boob is in a clamp it can never escape from?
18. OK, one side done, one to go. You're brave. You've got this.
19. Why does it feel worse the second time? What's that saying about anticipation being worse than reality? Yeah, not true in this case.
20. Two seconds, you can do this!
21. Whew. Made it through the mammo. On to the ultrasounds. I can handle this. Just like the ones when I was pregnant, but a bit higher up.
22. Why is she lingering in this spot? She's come back to it three times. That can't be good.
23. I need to have a plan in place. It probably isn't anything, but just in case. I'll ask the doctor to call my husband with me. I won't be able to do it alone.
24. OMG, the kids. How will we tell the kids? We won't. We'll hide it, they're young and wrapped up in their worlds. The hospital is close and they make great wigs these days, they'll never suspect.
25. No, we have to tell them. They'll see. They notice a piece of chopped parsley in their pasta, they'll know something's up. And they'll need to know that we are fighting this aggressively.
26. Did she just tell me to relax? Why does everyone keep telling me to relax? Don't they know what I'm going through?
27. Why is she going to get the doctor? It has to be bad news. I knew the odds weren't good.
28. Wait, she's saying I'm good. That all of the films came back clear? I'm done. Whew. That wasn't so bad. We're good for another year. Four total minutes of pain for the comfort of knowing I'm good for a year? I'll take it.
29. Let's book it out of here and celebrate. Yes, you totally deserve the croissant from the bakery down the street for bravely conquering that! Nice work, Rebecca!

So that was it. I survived my first mammogram. Was it fun? No. Was it torture? Maybe for two minutes, but heck, I had two C-sections, I know pain. But it was more about the fear of the unknown. And the comfort of having it behind me is worth more than its weight in gold. But there was one nagging thought in my head.

30. Four hours later, why do my breasts still hurt? Maybe it's psychosomatic. Maybe I should check it out. Maybe (after a visit to the restroom and a look down at breasts) it's the mammogram markers that I forgot to take off my nipples as I rushed to get out of the radiologist's office!