14 Reasons You're Not Having Sex With Your Spouse (and How to Fix It)

Updated on 6/14/2018 at 11:35 AM

Remember the days when you and your spouse were doing it like crazy? Seemed like your hands were practically glued to each other? Now, it's like a rare occasion. Like an eclipse sighting. When it happens, it's like, "Oh, yeah. We used to do this all the time!" or "Let's get it over with." Wherever you are on the spectrum, this isn't a good sign for your marriage. Here are reasons you're not having sex and some tips on how to fix the issues so you can get back to having a real intimate life!

Working Late

By the time one of you gets back, the other is tired, asleep, or involved in something. Your schedules aren't aligning well and the fatigue for the late-working partner is really killing things.

Tips:

Try morning sex.
Delegate a night you stay up and decide to be tired for the next day. (Hey, being tired is better than ruining your marriage for good!)
If sex is out of the question, try a massage.
Quickies are just as good!

Mental Health

Depression and other mental health issues like anxiety can affect sex drive and cause a partner to retreat emotionally as well.

Tips:

Couples therapy.
Bonding activities, such as a sport or yoga. Pottery making. A DIY house project. Things to make you two feel connected and the other partner "needed."
Massage or foreplay. Maybe the partner with depression or anxiety needs more time to be ready for sex.

Anger Toward the Other Partner

This is pretty common . . . one partner (or both) happens to be angry about something that happened between the two of you, and now that person has essentially cut off the sex. It's passive-aggressive.

Tips:

Confront your partner. Ask why the sex and intimacy has disappeared. Do so in a nonaggressive manner. Share that you want things to get better and that you would like to know how this can be changed. It may help the person talk and open up.
If you're the angry one? Cut it out. You're jeopardizing your marriage. Open up the conversation and share why you're mad.

The Kids Rely on One Partner

When one partner takes all the childcare load and the littles only want one of the two parents, this can dampen the sex life.

Tips:

If you're carrying all the work, it's time to start handing over control to your partner to divvy up the care.
If your partner isn't willing, tell him or her that this is what is affecting your sex life and ask if he or she is willing to change.
If your partner takes over some of the load, you'll feel less infringed upon and want more time for intimacy.

Sex That's Too Routine

If things become too routine in the bedroom, one of the partners or both might retreat. Sex could become scarce.

Tips:

Have a brutally honest conversation about it but don't blame your partner. Take responsibility as well. After all, it takes two to tango!
Make the effort to spice it up with a sexy activity like a massage, a bath or shower together, a sexy film, or boudoir photos.

A Promotion at Work

One of you got promoted at work and you're having a hard time juggling the work and life balance.

Tips:

Cut the newly promoted partner some slack, but talk to him or her about the situation.
Make the "move" during the weekend or whenever the person isn't working.
Are you promoted? Make a list of things you can stop saying "yes" to and those you must do. Cutting out unnecessary commitments should help you have more time. If you have to, schedule time for sex for a while until you adjust.

A New Baby

Oh, snap! A new baby can make things chaotic and the sex life dull — if it exists at all.

Tips:

Don't feel ashamed to hire a sitter!
Quickies are better than nothing.
If you feel too "touched" by nursing or what have you, hand that kid to your partner along with a bottle.
Use lubricant if you have vaginal dryness.
Be patient with each other, and even if sex isn't in the cards, cuddle, make out, or enjoy foreplay!

A Recent Move

It's not uncommon for young families to move or relocate. If that's the case, the move can make everyone and everything go out of whack, including your sex life.

Tips:

Acknowledge the stress of the move.
Make more time for your partner. Boxes will all get unpacked and life will be settled eventually. Just learn to deal with the chaos for a bit!

Fear of Sharing Sexual Preference

One or both of you may have certain sexual preferences or desires that you've held back before and now want to indulge in but are afraid to share.

Tips:

Examine why you are afraid of sharing. Or if you think your spouse is holding back, why? Is this "preference" a deal breaker?
Share your sexual preferences, even if it's just starting small.

Someone Has Retreated

One or maybe both of you has retreated into hobbies or friends as an escape, which is a dangerous thing if the two of you are never spending time together.

Tips:

Discuss, ASAP!
Request time together . . . time to reconnect.
Try marriage counseling.

Laziness . . . Pure Laziness

You two have taken each other for granted. Simply put: you've both gotten lazy.

Tips:

Weekend getaways!
Monthly scheduled date nights.
Schedule sex to get the two of you jump-started, even if it's just for quickies.
Start an exercise program to get both of you moving.

An Emotional and/or Physical Affair

Hate to say this, but this is also a reason the sex dies; someone has found a "substitute."

Tips:

If you suspect it, talk to your partner and have concrete proof if possible.
See a therapist yourself! And suggest marital counseling.
Decide what you want to do if your partner is cheating.

An Issue With One of Your Kids

If the family is having trouble due to one child struggling mentally or physically, it can be draining to think of sex among everything else.

Tips:

Therapy for both of you.
A talk on how the situation is impacting your marriage and sex life together.
Patience and taking time out for each other.

Body Image Issues

If one of you is not comfortable with your weight or looks, your sex life is sure to take a hit. A lack of confidence fuels insecurities, which fuels depression and withdrawal.

Tips:

If you feel your weight is unhealthy, take control of your health by visiting your doctor or a nutritionist or getting active. Whether it's walking, diet, or an active hobby, take steps to feel better again.
Recognize your partner loves you even if you're 10 pounds heavier — and vice versa!