14 Kinda Funny but Very Real Fears I Have About Becoming a Mother One Day

Updated on 6/26/2018 at 10:45 AM

I've always known I wanted to be a mother. I played with dolls and tended to their pretend needs when I was a kid, babysat all through high school, and always dreamed about the special traditions I would start with my future mini mes. And now that I'm married, I'm even more excited to reach that stage. I'm not a mother yet, nor am I in any rush to become one, but along with all the good things I think about when it comes to my future as a mom, I also can't help but let certain fears creep in.

I'm far from perfect. I can be selfish, short-tempered, lazy, and unorganized. I hate vomit. I'm clumsy. I break things. And I swear . . . a lot. My mom promises that it'll be a totally different ballgame once I have a child of my own. While I hope that's true, here are 14 fears that make me laugh but also fill me with dread when I think about becoming a mother one day. Hopefully I can look back on this in 10 years and laugh . . . right? RIGHT?!

Because I'm Extremely Clumsy, I'll Trip and Fall With My Baby in My Arms

I trip ALL the time.

My Passionate Love of Swearing Will Rub Off on Them

I won't overly censor myself around my kids, but I also don't want them to call their teachers "f*cking useless" because they heard me say it.

I'll Accidentally Talk to Them Like I Talk to My Friends

I'm so used to talking to people I love in a cheeky way. What if I can't turn that off?

I Won't Get Out of My Warm and Beautiful Bed For Them

I love sleep more than most things. I'm also a very deep sleeper. And if I don't sleep well, it's been advised to proceed with caution. Will this sleepless attitude carry over into motherhood, a place where I've heard nobody gets ANY sleep?! I'm scared.

I'll Have Zero Idea About What to Feed Them, What They're Saying, and What to Do

You know when your friend's kid says something that sounds like complete gibberish to you but your friend somehow knows they want to color while eating a cheese stick? HOW DO THEY FIGURE THAT OUT?!

My Disdain For Other People Will Also Make Them Bitter

I'm pretty laid-back, but I never hide it when people piss me off. What if I can't swallow those venting sessions when I have kids?

I Won't Want to Share My Last Bite of Food, Because That's Mine and I Deserve It

What the hell, kid? I'm soaking up every last bit of this delicious meal and you have the audacity to ask for the last, precious bite?

I Won't Dish Out Wise, Movie-Like Advice

When my daughter asks me why Alice stole her markers in class, I'm afraid I'll tell her, "Because Alice sucks," instead of encouraging kindness and empathy.

Since I Hate Vomit With a Passion, I Will Run Like Hell to a Hotel Whenever They Get the Stomach Flu

My mom has told me that it's totally different when it's your kid, but right now? Nope. Not doing that.

I'll Be an Insane Sports Mom and Embarrass Them at Every Game

Or dance recital, track meet, prom night, etc.

When I'm Sick and Feeling Sorry For Myself, I Will Lock My Bedroom Door and Let Them Fend For Themselves

When you're sick, it's so nice to have someone take care of you while you throw a pity party for yourself. I can't imagine having to think about others when I just want to watch Netflix and eat soup all day.

If I Have a Boy, I'll Frequently Get Pee Shot Straight Into My Face

Are the horror stories really true? ARE THEY?!

If I Have a Girl, She'll Be More of a Dramatic Pain in the Ass Than I Was

. . . and I was pretty terrible.

I Won't Treat Them Equally

When I think about having two humans to be responsible for, I'm afraid I won't treat them the same. Will I have enough love, time, and money for both of them? With they feel equally special and cherished? STRESS.