This Photo of a Boy With His Twin Brother's Ashes Is the Definition of Bittersweet

Updated on Feb 15, 2019 at 9:51 AM

Cherie Ayrton, a 31-year-old woman from New Zealand, was eager to expand her family by two-fold when she learned she was pregnant with twin boys in 2017. As a mother to 5- and 2-year-old girls, Cherie wanted to wait until she was 14 weeks along to give her friends and family the good news, as she had previously lost a twin when she was absorbed in utero early by her 12-week scan. But unfortunately for Cherie and her husband Hayden, the promise of two new babies was short-lived.

According to Cherie, her pregnancy journey couldn't have gone any smoother. She and Hayden were told at their 14-week sonogram that both their boys, who they named Tiger and Johnny, were thriving. In fact, Cherie was so excited, she decided to book a maternity and newborn shoot with Sarah Simmons, a photographer at Charlie Horse Photography.

"Life would have been perfect. I wouldn't have a broken heart now."

But on Dec. 27, the date of her 5-month anatomy scan, the couple got some heartbreaking news: Johnny's heartbeat was undetectable. Because Cherie was so far along, her doctors recommended that she carry Johnny to term.

"Life would have been perfect. I wouldn't have a broken heart now," Cherie told People. "I was looking forward to completing my family. Two boys and two girls was awesome because it meant that my boys had a brother and a sister."

Cherie explained that the following four months were surreal. She had to watch as Tiger grew and Johnny's body deteriorated.

"I had to slowly watch my son break down," said Cherie. "First, his little eyes, nose, and beautiful lips became harder to see. Then his tiny fingers and tiny toes started to look like they were fusing together. Finally, it got to the point where he lost all of his features. It was torture."

Coupled with the fact Cherie had lost a child in utero before, she admitted she was beside herself.

"It was horrible, losing a child is the worst thing any parent can go through," said the grieving mom. "It's changed me forever. I was gutted that it had happened to us again. When we lost my daughter's twin it was very early on. I guess I felt more attached to our boy. Months of being pregnant is a long time to get organized and excited for them to arrive."

Cherie finally gave birth on May 2 to both boys, and admitted her experience was bittersweet. After she and Hayden had Johnny cremated, the pair decided to go ahead with the photo shoot a few days later.

"It was sad and very emotional," she said. "[Johnny] should have been next to his brother alive. We should have been getting pictures of them cuddling each other."

Although Cherie will always have the photo to remember her baby boy by, she confessed that recovering from the loss is a long process.

"I'm broken, I'll always feel like I have a piece missing. But life goes on, I still have to be a wife, a mother, a friend, a boss," she said. "Life doesn't stop and neither can I. So I do the best I can. I appreciate life and my gorgeous family even more than ever."