How to Get Dumped
Top Surefire Ways to Get Dumped
We're happy to present this excerpt from one of our favorite sites, AskMen. Jonno Hill explains the top 10 easiest ways to get dumped!
"Aren't relationships just the worst? The affection, the sex, the emotional support — why can't it just end already?"
Are these the thoughts that are constantly surfing through that mushy gray-matter bowl above your eyeballs? Well then, you're in luck! We know how difficult it can be to nut up and just break it off with the girl you're (tired of) seeing, so we've compiled a list of the quickest ways to get dumped.
Just follow these simple, easy-to-follow instructions and your clothing and personal effects will be out her window and scattered haphazardly across her lawn in no time.
(We should probably mention that if you don't want to get dumped, for some inconceivable reason, you should probably do the exact opposite of everything in this list.)
10. Hang Out With Her Attractive Friends
Want your girlfriend to really hate your guts? Just start hanging out and getting uncomfortably close with her attractive female friends. She'll love the way you respect her boundaries and take her feelings into consideration. Make sure to text them often and not show her the messages. Make movie plans and day-dates when she's busy. Nothing will show her you're committed to your relationship like fishing for new partners within her pool of friends. This is a grade-A bridge burner, and you'll not only get out of your relationship, you'll also lose any mutual friends you had together. Win-win?
9. Let Yourself Go
We all know men spend a lot of time during adulthood trying to suppress our underlying bachelor nature. Most of this is because we don't want to scare off any women we're trying to date. Need to be single in a hurry? Why not flip the script and completely let loose your inner slob. Pee with the seat down, wear stains on your shirt like an Eagle Scout badge, and try to transform your living quarters into a place that would make a hoarder's home look like Martha Stewart decorated it by comparison. We imagine she'll be pushing the eject button on your relationship faster than you can say "open container of week-old Chinese food."
8. Be a Bad Date
We've polled all the women we know, and the results are in: There's nothing sexier than a man who is late to dinner, wears sweatpants to a fancy restaurant, and doesn't offer to pay for the bill. Just kidding. That's actually a perfect strategy if you want things to go south in a hurry. So go ahead, turn yourself into the date from hell — before you know it, she'll be running from you at a pace that would make Usain Bolt look like a baby sloth.
7. Become the "Nice Guy"
Women say they want a nice guy, but they don't actually want "The Nice Guy." Take advantage of this fact by becoming a clingy, spineless, groveling coward at every opportunity. Don't make any decisions without her. Pretend to like all of the things that she likes. Ask if she's OK, and if anything is wrong or if you did anything to upset her — every five minutes. And don't let a single hour pass without an "I love you" text. Before you know it, she'll be begging to date a real man instead of the whiny loser you've turned into.
6. Sabotage Your Sex Life
Sex is a beautiful and essential act of intimacy in any committed relationship, so you're going to want to make it as awful as possible. Try to be as selfish as possible by focusing solely on your own pleasure, finishing as quickly as you can and then playing Madden in the next room immediately after. (Assuming, of course, that this isn't already your normal sexual routine.) If this still isn't working, try introducing weird levels of kink to your sex life without discussing it beforehand. For instance, you could show up to the bedroom dressed as a teddy bear and refuse to communicate with her except my roaring. She'll be yearning for a better lover in no time.
5. Pick Stupid Fights
In theory, you're supposed to care about each other, but remember: There is nothing too petty, too insignificant to start a fight about. It's all up for grabs. The way she combs her hair, the fact that she left the cap off the toothpaste, or the way she eats her peas one at a time. One at a time! The nerve! Eventually, she'll get fed up with your constant bickering and drop you like a pile of hot garbage.
For five more ways to get dumped, head to AskMen: 10 Easy Ways to Get Dumped
— Jonno Hill
Check out more great stories from AskMen:
- 10 Things That Will Make You Look Like a Jerk
- Revealed: The 10 Best Indicators You're a Man
- Some Things You Just Shouldn't Bring Up on a First Date