Guys, STOP Posting These Pictures on Dating Apps Before It's Too Late
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Flipping through my dating apps last week, I did a double take. A 7/10 guy who worked in sales wearing a baseball hat, holding a puppy stared back at me. Hadn't I just swiped left on this guy a few minutes ago? I paused. His pictures looked eerily familiar. I kept on swiping. No, no, no. Wait a second — there he was again. Only it wasn't him. It was a clone. Same exact pictures, just moved around a little. I grabbed my girlfriend's phone and started going through her matches. I suddenly felt like I was in The Da Vinci Code or A Beautiful Mind or some other Tom Hanks/Russell Crowe movie involving being a genius and spotting patterns. All of the guys had the same exact photos.
It's as if someone gave a TED Talk on how to form a dating profile and every guy aged 23-35 followed the instructions. "There should definitely be a sporty one, so they know you're into manly things and like to keep in good shape." I imagined the expert teaching the entire single male population. "And also if you can get one with a child, extra points for that. Women go nuts for that stuff!" I mean, come on. Seriously? Now I can't help but notice the predictable pattern of pictures each guy has on his dating app profile. It's like they all want to get so much across just via picture selection when really, we spend less than 0.2 seconds on each one and truthfully make pretty flash judgments. Sorry, boys, I'm onto you.
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The Athletic One
What they want us to get from it: I LIFT WEIGHTS! I am strong! I am like the bionic man! I can afford an Equinox membership! If you get in trouble I can use my muscles to help!
What we actually get from it: Good God, how much time do you spend at the gym? Do you do anything else? Has your brain evaporated? How do you actually own that tank top? Who took this picture??
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The Santa Con Pic
What they want us to get from it: I’m fun! See how funny I am. Just being hilarious in this funny costume that 3,000 other people are also wearing today. I hope I still look hot. I hope she knows this is a fake beer gut and not a real one. Mainly.
What we actually get from it: Hot guy in a Santa outfit? Groundbreaking. So original I might pass out. NEXT!
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The Snowboarding / Wakeboarding One
What they want us to get from it: I’m so versatile. I can play sports wherever we go. I hope your parents have a second home on a mountain or a lake so that I can demonstrate how well I can slide around on a plastic board.
What we actually get from it: Mmhmm I see you can ski. Cool me too.
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The One With a Borrowed Kid (or Dog)
What they want us to get from it: I’m open to having kids! In the very distant future! I sort of like kids! I hope she knows this is my niece and not my illegitimate child! Women love kids!
What we actually get from it: Ugh that poor kid looks miserable. Why do all men think we are obsessed with becoming immediately impregnated? I am working on my career right now, but thanks, try again later.
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The Slightly Outdated College Party Pic
What they want us to get from it: I’m still fun! Even though I’m getting slammed at work and cry in the bathroom cubicle sometimes — I AM STILL FUN. I had three beers on Saturday! Before going home to watch Netflix, but still. I am fun!
What we actually get from it: Ugh, so immature. I don’t care that you can chug beers; do you know what’s happening in Syria? Do you know where Syria is? Probably not. Frat boy.
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The One With a Tourist Attraction in the Background
What they want us to get from it: I’m grown up! I like to travel! I hope she doesn’t notice this is from four years ago when I went on study abroad!
What we actually get from it: Oh look, you visited the Eiffel Tower. Well done, you. You’re so cultured! Ah, there you are standing in front of the Parthenon looking like James Bond himself.
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The Black Tie/Suit Pic
What they want us to get from it: Look! Look! I clean up nice! I am a reliable and fun wedding date! I will get you drinks and carry your heels when you get tired! I am fancy sometimes!
What we actually get from it: Did you, in fact, buy that suit in 1985? Good God, look at the size of the pants! You’re swimming in them! You don’t have a dad bod, but it sure looks like it in that outfit. Also, why is your tie so enormous? Does it double as a magic carpet? Why is it bright purple?