30 Things Divorced People Think You Should Know About Marriage

Updated on 5/30/2018 at 9:30 PM

Just because someone is divorced doesn't mean he or she didn't walk away from a failed marriage without learning some valuable lessons on marriage. Quite the opposite, actually. It's in failure that we often garner our most strength and wisdom. Like Janet Fitch says, "The phoenix must burn to emerge."

Divorced people have "burned" and emerged, and most often for the best. We know better — we want better. We understand marriage in an intimate yet difficult way. Some of us wish we did things differently — some of us wish we had married a better fit. No matter what the tale, you can learn a lot about the value and delicacies of marriage from someone who loved and lost.

Your marriage is not as good as your vows. It's what you put into it each day.

The roots of your love need to run deep from the start. If the love is attraction- or surface-based, the love will die.

Some parts of your marriage will be frustrating, but love enough to be patient to ride out the lows and receive the highs.

The grass is not always greener. Even if it looks more lush, you don't know the quality of the soil.

Tend to the garden of your marriage, lest it get overrun by weeds.

It's more than the ring. Can you imagine growing old or being sick with this person?

It's best to cool off alone before throwing down harsh words in a fight.

Both of you need to take turns steering the wheel.

If your partner backs away and avoids talking, you may have to wait for them to come back around. Patiently.

Marriage is not always exciting. Finding the joy in the day-to-day will serve your marriage well.

A good marriage means getting your hands dirty. Participating each day. Not expecting perfection.

We are all under construction as works in progress. Accept your partner as long as he or she is working on it.

Intimacy is the one thing that separates your marriage from your other relationships. Nurture it.

A good marriage requires two people who are both still learning about life and each other.

Sometimes, marriage requires you to bend down and tie your partner's shoes when he or she just can't do it.

Expect there to be some serious storms in your marriage. You might question your love for your partner and feel alone at times.

StockSnap | Josh Sorenson

But good marriages have two partners who work through tough times and see the light of a brand-new, better day.

A good partnership is simple, really. It just feels easy — most of the time.

If your partner feels like he or she has an eye, hold, or lock on you, it's not love. It's toxic control.

Love is letting the other party rest sometimes and be lazy. We can't be our best selves 24/7.

And the simple little gestures you do or DON'T do each day add up . . . or subtract.

Doing those little gestures can lead to great changes for the good in a marriage.

Creating lots of joy, love, and more time to connect and "deposit" in each other's love accounts is important.

Don't be surprised if you two have issues that can feel as if they're taking a long time to get over.

In marriage, as in life, slow and steady wins the race rather than rushed and hasty.

There will be small, tiny moments in your marriage that will feel like heaven. Enjoy that paradise.

Savor it.

And let both of you enjoy the fruits of your life. Each of you deserves many bites of happiness.

Never let anyone else in your intimate emotional space. Those little "affairs" do so much damage to a marriage.

Decide each day to be true to yourself and your partner. Your word and deeds are all your partner has to go on.