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Things You Never Say Until You Have Kids

55 Things You Never Thought You'd Say Until You Became a Parent


Source: Flickr user lightfalling

Kids say the darnedest things, and sometimes parents do, too — especially where their children are concerned. There are some phrases you would never imagine saying — that is, until you have kids. Then it's appropriate to ask questions like, "Is her poo hard, soft, runny, or just right?" or "Why would you want to collect boogers?" because kids can get into all sorts of trouble and messes. Although we laugh along to our children's silly antics, we also have to set some ground rules — like not licking the floor. Keep reading to see the things you never thought you'd say, and then let us know what your personal one-liners have been.


Source: Flickr user birdtrouble

1. "Why would you want to collect boogers?"

2. "Let your sister out from under the couch cushions."

3. "Your penis itches? Let me see."

4. "Let's not eat things we find in our underwear."

5. "Why did you cut your eyelashes? Don't do that!"

6. "No, you may not put a bottle of pee in the freezer to see what happens."

7. "Cat food is NOT for human consumption."

8. "No, I don't know if Mario marries Peach or if he's also going out with Rosalina."

9. "It's not OK to use a fart as a weapon."

10. "A pretend helmet can't actually protect your head."


Source: Flickr user clarkmaxwell

11. "Just . . . go outside and play."

12. "Why are you taping candy to the wall?"

13. "Nipples is not a name."

14. "Do not throw pancakes at your mother."

15. "No, you may not paint the dog."

16. "Was her poo hard, soft, runny, or just right?"

17. "Put the goldfish back in the fish tank!"


Source: Flickr user joeshlabotnik

18. "Let go of my boob!"

19. "Please stop eating the sunscreen."

20. "Your vagina is not a toy."

21. "Don't lick your sister."

22. "Do not stick your finger anywhere near your brother's eyeball. Ever."

23. "Have you pooped today?"


Source: Flickr user darrenkw

24. "No, you can't ride in the trunk."

25. "Stop surfing the coffee table."

26. "Don't lick the sidewalk."

27. "Please don't sit on his head!"

28. "Get the Legos out of your pants."

29. "Books are for reading, not walking on."

30. "Stop eating Play-Doh!"


Source: Flickr user mattjessz

31. "I don't appreciate your feet in my face."

32. "If all of your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?"

33. "When I was your age . . . "

34. "How many times do I have to tell you?"

35. "Someday, when you're older, you'll understand."

36. "Why are there Legos in the peanut butter?"

37. "Don't lick the TV screen!"

38. "Please don't put your hands in your poop."

39. "No, you cannot lick the floor."

40. "I really don't know if Sofia the First has ever peed her bed."

41. "Do not bite the cat!"

42. "Don't eat the crayons!"


Source: Flickr user celinesphotographer

43. "Stop drinking your bath water."

44. "Bend over so I can wipe your butt."

45. "You can't play with the potato; I need to cook it!"

46. "Don't color the cat!"

47. "You can't just go up to people and ask if they have a penis."

48. "Baths are not optional or negotiable."

49. "We don't fart in public and laugh."

50. "That diaper is so cute!"

51. "We have to pay for it first, then you can eat it."


Source: Flickr user proimos

52. "OK, give me your balls now!"

53. "If you don't play with all these toys, I'm going to give them to . . . "

54. "Put your shirt back on! We're in public!"

55. "Because I said so."

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